WHERE ARE THE GODS?: Troy movie snark.

[fickle]

mirrored_echo is currently over and the two of us are watching-slash-snarking Troy, which is riddled with historial inaccuracies that are barely compensated for by pretty boys in skirts. Also, I'm spelling Akhilles with the k because I got told ages ago that's how it meant to be spelt, and it kind of stuck with me.

Akhilles: *is woken up with girl to go out to fight as Aggie's champion*

1. WRONG. He wasn't supposed to have been heard of before Troy. He was kept hidden away as a girl and then Oddie-baby pulled a fast one by hiding some weapons amongst girl-toys and then causing a disturbance, IDing Akhilles when he was the one that picked up the weapons to fight. There is no way that he was some famous warrior person.

2. Dude. They cut out ALL the backstory! Where's the bit about Paris being abandoned as a baby because it was predicted that he'd bring Troy's downfall?

3. Where's Paris judging between Hera, Athena and Aphrodite and thus pissing off the first two and getting Aphrodite promising him Helen?

4. WHERE ARE THE GODS?

5. Bloom's prettier as Paris than as Legolas. But that's not a historical inaccuracy so instead, how about Helen's line, "I was a ghost"? She was the bloody QUEEN. Men vied to marry her! SHE was the one who had Sparta as a dowry, not Menelaus. He got Sparta because he MARRIED her and she CHOSE him.

6. He should have still been a shepherd when he was ten, mirrored_echo says. I'm inclined to agree with her. Did they just cut out his backstory ENTIRELY?

7. Paris has a very, very smooth chest. mirrored_echo doesn't think that guys back then waxed their chests, had elaborately beaded hair or wore eyeliner (personally, I think that he pulls it off rather yummily but this is the 'WHERE ARE THE GODS' entry, not the 'Bloom makes eyeliner and skirts look good' entry).

8. This isn't about AGGIE being a good leader. The deal was that when everyone came to marry Helen, all the other kings would have to agree to guard Helen if she was ever kidnapped by anyone. They're oath-bound.

9. mirrored_echo says that they're trying too hard to make Aggie unlikeable. I think that since the guy sacrificed his own daughter for a fair wind to blow them to Troy for MORE killing, he's unlikeable to start out with but GUESS WHAT THEY CUT OUT OF THE MOVIE?

10. Hah. Cousin. They are SO cousins. *rolls eyes* Yeah. Right. CANON SLASH, where is it?

11. This is so not how Oddie-baby got Akhilles involved.

12. mirrored_echo: They weren't Greeks back then. Greece wasn't a nation back then.

13. mirrored_echo wants to know why Akhilles' mother has grey hair. Clearly, it's because she's NOT A GODDESS. And yet she can still predict Akhilles' fate. Fantastic.

Laptop died. Snark picks up again at the battle where Patroclus dresss up like his gay lover.

14. Pattycake should have been given permission to dress up in that armor by Akhilles to lead the M&Ms, not done it of his own accord.

15. ...That is a seriously nice back-bend. Fuck spines-don't-work-that-way. And okay, so that wasn't historically inaccurate but mirrored_echo and I both had to comment on it. But the 'cousin' comment totallly was stupid. And again, Akhilles KNEW the Myrmidons were going off to fight.

16. Tunnel? What the hell? Hector's wife is TAKEN CAPTIVE when the war ends. And his baby is killed by being thrown off the walls of Troy.

17. Also, randomly, the Illiad only started nine years into the war, didn't it? This movie is really, really condensed.

18. What, no shiny new magical armor for Akhilles? WHERE ARE THE GODS?!

19. Cassandra is the chick that could see the future. Briseis is the chick that Aggie and Akhilles argued over. Chryseis is the chick that was a priestess of Apollo. They are not the same girl. Did Hollywood use up so much money on the extras and fight scenes that they didn't have the dough to just hire two more actresses? Or were all the females in Hollywood wise enough to stay away from this movie except for two?

20. Akhilles needs to invest in a good megaphone. And he met Hector in battle, not screaming for him like a mare in heat. But I guess that Hector could just wait until he screamed himself into dehydration and thus tire himself out -- mirrored_echo just asked if Akhilles wouldn't be hoarse by now.

21. Yay, dancing with spears! This fight is really an excuse to show off Brad Pitt's underarm hair and leg muscles, isn't it? And okay, good, at least they're keeping in the chariot scene with Hector's body though, but GODS, that girl is annoying.

22. If you look at Akhilles from the waist down, it's like he's dressed in a PVC miniskirt and hooker boots. Which counts as a historical inaccuracy complaint because they didn't have PVC back then but I'm not complaining too much because, well, it's pretty. Most of the movie's pretty, actually.

mirrored_echo just had to leave to make sure she got to class tomorrow so the rest of it is done on my own.

23. Where is Cassandra? WHERE ARE THE GODS?!

24. Isn't Hector supposed to get dragged around at daybreak and dusk for three days before Priam manages to intervene?

25. Briseis doesn't need to be freed like that! She's not the temple-priestess whose capture was the cause of APOLLO SENDING A PLAGUE DOWN ON THE GREEKS.

26. Briseis should stay with Akhilles. Doesn't she get tossed onto his funeral pyre when he's killed?

27. Aggie, don't invoke the gods. They're not here! The movie has cut them out entirely and frankly, at this point, even divine intervention wouldn't save this sorry story.

28. Akhilles sends his posse home, what the fuck? NO. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred and his wife's neck looks scarily long.

29. Uh. Akhilles never makes it inside the gates of Troy. He's meant to have been shot in the ankle and ALREADY be dead.

30. Also, plague happened earlier. Much earlier. It had nothing to do with the so-called Greeks sailing home.

31. Paris is supposed to be dead already as well. Got a wound, wound festered, died slowly and Helen got married off to someone else in the family.

32. Akhilles shouldn't be running around looking for Briseis because he's DEAD and so's she. Oy.

33. Aeneas is part of the royal family by marriage. Shouldn't Paris know his name? But yay for at least getting that right.

34. Paris is meant to be already dead, not making some sort of final stand. OY.

35. Aggie tries to take CASSANDRA, not Briseis! And he succeeds. Aggie doesn't die! He goes home and gets killed by his wife!

36. Pais also doesn't kill Akhilles because they're both DEAD by then! Not to mention one arrow to the heel should have killed him as opposed to becoming a pincushion.

37. ...They totally left out the Amazons and Akhilles raping the corpse of Penthesilia. Really. They went "Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses. Let them say I lived in the time of Akhilles," and I addded on, "Raper of corpses."

First time I saw the movie in a theatre, I counted 34 errors on my own through the entire movie. Now, only snarking maybe half of it, I managed to rack up 37 errors with mirrored_echo snarking all except the last 35 minutes with me.

Amazing.