National Coming Out Day.

[fickle]

I'm asexual.

Flat, simple statement that often gets a lot of debate. From my friends, it tends to be the well-meaning assumption that I just haven't really grown-up yet and that I'll get interested in sex later. Or that I'm dismissing sex as something I'm not interested in because I haven't tried it yet.

My parents think that I'm just trying to sound modest, and they tend to laugh. Or, well, my mother has. I haven't told my father yet, and I probably never will.

It's one thing to have people react with outrage/shock/denial to a declaration of homosexuality. It's another thing to have them just not believe that you can be twenty-one years old and genuinely not attracted to people in a sexual manner.

I can find people pretty. I frequently do. One of the phrases I use to describe characters that I like is 'lickable'. That doesn't mean that I would actually like to lick them, just that they look good enough to lick.

In Naomi Wolf's book, The Beauty Myth, she talked about the difference between looking sexy and being sexual, and how Western culture tends to compress the two into one. Asexuality, for me, means that you differentiate between the two quite clearly. You can look sexy. You can think someone else looks sexy. You can see photos of people in different clothes and be able to identify which outfits are cute, pretty, or sexy. You just don't want to do anything about it.

Most of the time, I'm okay with being asexual. I figure it means less heartache if I don't have random drunken hookups or get into friends-with-benefits relationships that turn into something more only on my side. Practically zero chance of STDs or pregnancy. No worries about morning-after pills, birth control or getting a partner to take an STD test pre-sex without causing offense. Being asexual cuts down on a lot of unnecessary stress in some ways.

...Of course, at the same time, I'm living in a society that's very geared towards sex. Magazine covers blare out that they have tips on having better orgasms, better sex, or better pleasing your man. Most people who I could date assume that sex is part of a normal romantic relationship and were we to get into a relationship with them not knowing that I'm asexual, they'd have to either be celibate or break it off. I'm lucky in that my boyfriend is also asexual, but that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish that I wasn't. Sex isn't my thing, but orgasms are something my friends rave about. A lot. I kind of would like to try that, but know that my dislike of being touched sexually would definitely get in the way. I can't even trick my brain with the argument that according to medical journals, orgasms good for your health and therefore, this is just like getting a check-up.

I'm pretty sure the benefits of not worrying about STDS and pregnancy outweigh orgasm-benefits, where health is concerned, but I still do end up thinking sometimes that it would be nice to have a different sexuality. Lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual -- I'm not picky. I'm not self-hating either. I've tried both heterosexual and lesbian relationships, and neither worked for me. I can safely say that I'm not attracted to either gender and it's really not as simple as me just not having found the right person.

I suppose that it doesn't really matter, in the end. I am what I am.

And what I am just happens to be asexual. I can live with that.

Comments

[xindanobodie.livejournal.com]

I, for one, have always LOVED your term "lickable". It's one that many use, I'm sure, but I didn't hear it as often until you would say it. And the term assexual was fairly new to me and then suddenly I meet about a handful of people - who almost all at once - state to be asexual. I suppose that's one reason why I find it kinda... hard to find people dismissing it - regardless of the obviousness of it and others being dismissed.

Yeah, that is true - looking sexy and being sexual are often merged... even when it's can clearly be one or the other... etc etc

Okay, I'm sorry, but I snickered at people raving to you about orgasms xD I don't know... it just comes off strange to me ^^;;

"I am what I am." Hm. Icon necessary.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Awwww. I had someone ask me about how I can be asexual and still find people lickable, so that's one of the reasons that I clarified it here. And maybe we're finally coming out of the woodwork! Or we inspire each other to be brave. One or the other.

Being sexy doesn't mean you want sex. Thinking like that is where the fallacy 'but she was asking for it' or 'she shouldn't dress like that unless she wants to get raped' comes from.

*snickers* Yeah. It's weird. I think their assumption is that if I hear enough about it, I'll go out and have one, just like if you pimp a TV show to me, I'll watch it. Or so they think!

Icon right back at you!

[xindanobodie.livejournal.com]

xD Makes sense to me, really. *nods* That could be it, too. Having the knowledge of knowing you're not alone or that someone won't bash-flame-insult-etcetc what you have to say... is helpful...

*nods* Yup. So true.

LOL! XDDDD That's... a funny AND scary thought XDDD "Pimp my orgasm!" (Heard of "Pimp My Ride"?)

<3

[lunarwhirl.livejournal.com]

Good for you! ♥

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I have no idea if anyone actually comes out on National Coming Out Day, and pretty much everyone on my flist knows I'm asexual anyway, but I figured this would be as good a time as any to put up a post about what being asexual means to me. XD

[yukirien.livejournal.com]

In the true Wellesley fashion:

I suppose that it doesn't really matter, in the end. I am what I am.

And what I am just happens to be asexual. I can live with that.

Word.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

...What's the Wellesley fashion? XD But thanks for the 'Word'. This was inspired by seeing you had a post up about NCOD.

[yukirien.livejournal.com]

The "word" is the Wellesley fashion (which I meant in the sense that my response is in the Wellesley fashion. I just realized that's a bit ambiguous). Usually snaps if in person, "word" if on a forum.

[yukirien.livejournal.com]

And lots of posts inspiring other posts today. :)

[pinkspider.livejournal.com]

I can't praise you enough for having the nerve to post this publicly. I understand every word you've said here. And I can tell you it doesn't get any better as you get older. You think people find it impossible to believe when you are 21... wait until you get to be over 30.

It's not that I'm cold. I'm a very physically affectionate person. Maybe I could feel physically drawn to someone who I love in that way, devote my life to, spend the rest of my life with, a true soulmate, etc. But it would be that special partner motivating me to become more physical, not the need for physicality motivating me to find a partner. It would definitely have to be someone with whom I have merged intellectually/emotionally/spiritually first. And so far, life hasn't gifted me with that person.

Do you have people implying that there's something wrong with you, that your lack of sex drive must be the result of some trauma or suggest counseling or some other crap? That's what infuriates me more than the ones who just don't believe it. There's something wrong with me because I don't have some overwhelming instinct to mate like an animal. Ugh.