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2 months.
My sister's been dead two months.
I've been waiting for this day. Counting to it. It's been worse this week, the one that was just over. Everything sharp and pointing towards Sunday.
After last month, it was 'my sister's been dead one month and something days'. Somewhere in there, it switched to 'my sister will have been dead for two months three weeks from now. Two weeks and five days from now.'
The last few days dragged out. The hours stretched so much that I couldn't understand it. Everything in me was so focused on today. Four days left. Three. Two. One.
Midnight.
I know that's not how it works. My sister died in Austria. Different timezone. Not sure when the exact time of death is. Not sure I should know, because having rearranged my calender that everything revolves around the tenth of each month is unhealthy enough already.
My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now, I suppose) broke up with me on the 1st, which was our one-year anniversary. Because he said the last straw was me forgetting our one-year anniversary. I didn't forget it. I just didn't care.
In my head, it was 'in nine days, my sister will have been dead two months'.
Now it's two months.
Breathing is a little difficult right now. It's in my head, I know. This is not all that easy an entry to write.
I've been told that I haven't been talking much about myself. Or updating livejournal. I've done a lot, though. Switched my class schedule around three times. Signed up for Sweet Charity, am now doing icons and cookies. Voted for Hillary. Started watching Dexter. Helped an old woman up off the ice and took care of her. Built a snow throne with snow footstool. Taught Lily to make snow angels. Saw hail for the first time. Co-hosted a dinner party. Learned how to make chili Bolognese sauce. Talked to the Dean. Agreed to sign a one-year contract for the Nuclear Power Engineering Section of the IAEA/UN when I graduate. Got my CPR/First Aid certificate. Developed the habit of wearing leggings under sweatpants to stay warm. Bought padded envelopes to send off Xmas gifts that I'd purchased before I went --
I typed home, then backspaced and typed 'back to Vienna', then backspaced and typed home. Backspaced is accepted as a verb by Mozilla Firefox's spellchecker. Spellchecker, however, gets underlined in red.
None of it seems important, though.
My sister's been dead two months.
Nothing that I do, or will do, can change that.
None of it feels important enough to talk about, and I can't talk about my sister.
Not really. Except in controlled doses. Like now.
Two months.
I still don't have an appropriate icon.
I've been waiting for this day. Counting to it. It's been worse this week, the one that was just over. Everything sharp and pointing towards Sunday.
After last month, it was 'my sister's been dead one month and something days'. Somewhere in there, it switched to 'my sister will have been dead for two months three weeks from now. Two weeks and five days from now.'
The last few days dragged out. The hours stretched so much that I couldn't understand it. Everything in me was so focused on today. Four days left. Three. Two. One.
Midnight.
I know that's not how it works. My sister died in Austria. Different timezone. Not sure when the exact time of death is. Not sure I should know, because having rearranged my calender that everything revolves around the tenth of each month is unhealthy enough already.
My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now, I suppose) broke up with me on the 1st, which was our one-year anniversary. Because he said the last straw was me forgetting our one-year anniversary. I didn't forget it. I just didn't care.
In my head, it was 'in nine days, my sister will have been dead two months'.
Now it's two months.
Breathing is a little difficult right now. It's in my head, I know. This is not all that easy an entry to write.
I've been told that I haven't been talking much about myself. Or updating livejournal. I've done a lot, though. Switched my class schedule around three times. Signed up for Sweet Charity, am now doing icons and cookies. Voted for Hillary. Started watching Dexter. Helped an old woman up off the ice and took care of her. Built a snow throne with snow footstool. Taught Lily to make snow angels. Saw hail for the first time. Co-hosted a dinner party. Learned how to make chili Bolognese sauce. Talked to the Dean. Agreed to sign a one-year contract for the Nuclear Power Engineering Section of the IAEA/UN when I graduate. Got my CPR/First Aid certificate. Developed the habit of wearing leggings under sweatpants to stay warm. Bought padded envelopes to send off Xmas gifts that I'd purchased before I went --
I typed home, then backspaced and typed 'back to Vienna', then backspaced and typed home. Backspaced is accepted as a verb by Mozilla Firefox's spellchecker. Spellchecker, however, gets underlined in red.
None of it seems important, though.
My sister's been dead two months.
Nothing that I do, or will do, can change that.
None of it feels important enough to talk about, and I can't talk about my sister.
Not really. Except in controlled doses. Like now.
Two months.
I still don't have an appropriate icon.
no subject
I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, too. :(
If you ask me, the blue square is an appropriate icon.
*sends love*
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*also sends love*
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Let me know when you're online again.
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You do sound busy, anyway, so you don't have much time for it, and it's probably better that way.
And, hey, when you can talk about your sister, go ahead and do it. I don't want to worry that you're fretting over censoring yourself too. You shouldn't have to. Not about this.
I don't think there will ever be an appropriate icon for this. *hugs*
Love ya...screw comments. I want to call you.
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Darling, I know we've known each exactly like... not a second... and you probably don't want advice, but with tragedy people don't get it. They don't understand that you can't just sweep it under the rug -- especially when they're younger. So for them it was a headline, for you it was devastating but they don't really want to deal with that so... people run.
But not living doesn't help anyone. It can take a long time to deal with, to not deal to... never accept or accept.... but that's something you do get to decide. And you get to decide if you want to hold that pain and still have it the same on the date fifty years later or not.
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*hugs*
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