I never know how I'm going to react in circumstances like that. It depends on the day, and my mood. When mental health factors into things it can REALLY factor into it.
With me, if whatever happened triggered me enough to make me feel young - which was likely the last time someone I didn't now touched me like that? I might not be able to do anything but what you did - move away, step away and wish I could speak somehow.
I've had nightmares where all I want to do is say 'NO! STOP!' and I'm completely voiceless. And I wake up crying and need to sleep with the light on or not sleep at all.
I'm always aware of how I look when I'm outside too. It's gotten better over the years. But there was an extreme, almost to paranoia of "They're looking!". It's part of why I'm so insistent on looking -decent- when I leave the house even to go to the corner store or something. Slovenly appearance leads to suspicion of being a slattern leads to - 'Did I lead anyone on just by existing less than perfect/perfectly delicately untouchably feminine?'.
The days I leave the house and I don't care how I look cause something else is more important are actually incredibly strong days, no matter how scatter brained I actually am. It's days when I -know- I have a voice, I can feel it, right in my mouth, not even my throat but my MOUTH, waiting to protect me.
And then there's the possibility (especially several years ago - 7 or so) that I'd shiv 'em. I walked around with a knife constantly, less sure of my ability to speak up for myself and more confident in knowing if they were bleeding they sure as hell weren't going to continue to make me feel uncomfortable and FUCK the police and FUCK jail.
I'm still kind of like that now, except I walk with my fingers wrapped around my keys, poised to jab or scratch if I have to.
But it's why I hate what's happening with my knee, cause I do feel like a wounded gazelle on the savannah just signaling I'd be an easy target. Which gets me iin a frame of mind to do violence and just. not. stop. until they stop moving and I'd feel safe again.
The best thing about having lived with a roommate, however, was finding out that contrary to what I think, I can get a look in my eyes like I'm about to gut you (general) slowly. I didn't realize that my internal protector could be seen. And that makes me feel safer still.
Still I heartily approve of pepper-spray and mace and mini bullhorns as a loud/physical NO. Cause the truth us, society would rather prefer we (women) say nothing. And that includes if the 'woman' is younger than 10 yrs old.
no subject
With me, if whatever happened triggered me enough to make me feel young - which was likely the last time someone I didn't now touched me like that? I might not be able to do anything but what you did - move away, step away and wish I could speak somehow.
I've had nightmares where all I want to do is say 'NO! STOP!' and I'm completely voiceless. And I wake up crying and need to sleep with the light on or not sleep at all.
I'm always aware of how I look when I'm outside too. It's gotten better over the years. But there was an extreme, almost to paranoia of "They're looking!". It's part of why I'm so insistent on looking -decent- when I leave the house even to go to the corner store or something. Slovenly appearance leads to suspicion of being a slattern leads to - 'Did I lead anyone on just by existing less than perfect/perfectly delicately untouchably feminine?'.
The days I leave the house and I don't care how I look cause something else is more important are actually incredibly strong days, no matter how scatter brained I actually am. It's days when I -know- I have a voice, I can feel it, right in my mouth, not even my throat but my MOUTH, waiting to protect me.
And then there's the possibility (especially several years ago - 7 or so) that I'd shiv 'em. I walked around with a knife constantly, less sure of my ability to speak up for myself and more confident in knowing if they were bleeding they sure as hell weren't going to continue to make me feel uncomfortable and FUCK the police and FUCK jail.
I'm still kind of like that now, except I walk with my fingers wrapped around my keys, poised to jab or scratch if I have to.
But it's why I hate what's happening with my knee, cause I do feel like a wounded gazelle on the savannah just signaling I'd be an easy target. Which gets me iin a frame of mind to do violence and just. not. stop. until they stop moving and I'd feel safe again.
The best thing about having lived with a roommate, however, was finding out that contrary to what I think, I can get a look in my eyes like I'm about to gut you (general) slowly. I didn't realize that my internal protector could be seen. And that makes me feel safer still.
Still I heartily approve of pepper-spray and mace and mini bullhorns as a loud/physical NO. Cause the truth us, society would rather prefer we (women) say nothing. And that includes if the 'woman' is younger than 10 yrs old.