Sexual Assault Awareness Month: Saying No.

[fickle]

Last night, I was talking with an friend of mine about what her definition of rape is versus harassment is, and one of the things she brought up is how much she hates it when girls don’t say no or don’t protest clearly but then claim it was rape the next day.

So I thought that since it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I’d write about a case in my life when I wanted to say no, didn’t manage to, but I really wish I had.

This was going to be an entry about how when I was seventeen, I once failed to say no/clearly show that I didn't want a guy sexually touching me. Then I reread the journal entries that I'd written at the time and realized that I hadn't ever said the actual word 'no', but I had signified discomfort in a lot of ways and tried to get away from him.

Here's an excerpt from one of the journal entries in question. he started stroking my arm. repeatedly. hoever, numa does that as well so I ignored it.

then he pulled my chair closer and trapped me in his arms. so I got up on the pretext of looking for a brush, because maybe he's just the touchy-feely type and I didn't want to overreact.

then he kept sliding his arm around my waist, so I kept wriggling to dislodge it, and complaining that it tickled since I was getting a little worried by this point in time.

then he moved it there and half-cupped one of my brests, and which point I moved to get up, and kicked him. hard.

he ignored it.

of course, I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. what if he was just keeping his hand on my waist and it went upwards because I was trying to get away from him tactfully? than I'd have attacked him for no reason.

I hate this.

where do you draw the line?

I left it like that and continued drawing while stnading up because regardless of what you may think of my artistic abilities, I do like drawing and he can help me improve my skills immensely. so I kept drawing.

at which point he started kissing my shoulder.

that would be where it becomes blatantly obvious that I do (finally) have a right to complain and stop him, so I pushed him away, and said that I have to go.

so there

question is: would I have been within my rights to stop him earlier?

Originally, I had remembered this as him touching my breast and me backing away from him. I hadn't remembered that I had fought back. I didn't remember that I kicked him, and I didn't remember that he continued with his advances afterwards.

That's not what's important here. The question is, why didn't I just say no instead of trying to physically get away from him and discourage him without having to actually talk about what was happening?

The answer's in the question itself. I didn't want to talk about what was happening.

Part of the Asian culture that I was raised in involves victim-blaming. If I had told him to stop it, I would've had to admit that he was doing something wrong, and then I would've had to examine my own behavior to see how I had caused it. If I kick him, leave the room, and then quit art class? I'm still not actually addressing the fact that hey, he's touching me, he's doing things to my body that I don't want, he is behaving like a jerk.

The next day, I had my boyfriend come into the classroom with me and sit with me. While my boyfriend was in the room, the 'friend' slid his hand onto my thigh (I was wearing shorts) and tried to feel me up.

I didn't tell my boyfriend what was happening. I just stood up.

And then I quit art.

I couldn't tell my parents why because they would've blamed me. I was the one who had chosen to take special after-school lessons, and my mother honestly believes that short skirts cause rape. My mother was rubbed up against by a guy on a bus for the entire ride home when she was a teenager, and she remained absolutely quiet and made no fuss until she got home, and then she started crying.

The Sri Lankan culture does not hold with 'making scenes'. I couldn't tell him no, because then I'd have to acknowledge what was happening. I'd have to make a scene. And that's simply not done. Even though I grew up in Europe, I still grew up inside a Sri Lankan household where if a man is taking liberties with you, it's because you've somehow signified you're open to them.

Who knows? Maybe I didn't kick him hard enough. Maybe I should've kicked him in the balls to show that I meant no.

Or maybe I should've just swallowed down a lifetime of being told to be a good, quiet little Asian who doesn't make waves and called him on it.

I was too scared to. Apart from my indoctrination into silence, I didn't know what would happen next. What if he denied anything was happening? What if he told everyone else that I'd accused him of molesting me and then laughed at the idea that he'd do anything like that with me? What if my parents found out about it?

So I kicked him, I pushed him away, I brought my boyfriend to show him that I was taken and not interested, and finally, when none of that worked, I quit art class.

But I never actually voiced the word 'no', or faced up to what was happening to me.

Strange as it may seem to some of the Western readers on my flist, I'm using this post to promote Sexual Assault Awareness concerning yourself.

It is YOUR body. You have a right to decide what other people do with it. If someone is making you uncomfortable, tell them 'Stop'. They are the ones in the wrong, not you. Facing that something bad is happening to you is infinitely preferable to trying to dodge around it, because as long as you can't stand your ground, they're going to keep pushing until they've backed you into a corner.

The last time someone groped me, I yelled at them to 'FUCK OFF OR I'LL BREAK YOUR HAND'. The man in question quickly sloped away.

No matter how shy you might be, how uncertain and scared, or how tied to a culture that keeps you very firmly passive, your body is still yours. And you are never the bad guy for telling someone that what they're doing to you is wrong. Never.

Comments

[ohsnikt.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you exist sometimes. Just saying. Sorry I missed you on msn.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Right back atcha, Savior. I nearly quoted you on the bit about how you wished that every girl you knew could say that she'd fended off her attacker last time she was harassed, in fact. ♥

I'll hop on MSN again! Just for you. *crosses fingers that you're there*

[a-white-rain.livejournal.com]

God thank you. Can I pimp this post?

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. ♥ And sure. Anything that I post publicly is fair game for sharing.

Also, you might not remember, but I actually had a post with the same excerpt years ago when I tried to discuss it then. That was much more depressing, though, because it talked about how I failed to say no instead of looking at why. Dani commented on it with hugs, you commented on it with hugs, and then I set it to private because I didn't want anyone else reading it ever again.

In a way, writing about it publicly, in a completely different style and for a totally different reason, is my way of making amends for having private-locked that last post because it was a learning experience and I'm not like that anymore and that deserves acknowledgment.

[xinda.livejournal.com]

I remember you talking about this. I still remember being glad that you did have it stop, though it shouldn't have had to have such a situation in a first place nor with you having to quit.

I've heard of such cases, before, of those that use actions (such as the kick or a push or a move) to get things to stop, but not a "no".

I'm also glad you shared as to why when you think about it - with the acknowledgment part - that, just yeah. Grrr. Though, it still pisses me off that it happened in the first place, but I am glad that now you respond in such a means - of hand breakary (I laugh, because it's perfect and sometimes, it seems, that's the only way people listen).

And, you're so right. Yeah.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I can't believe you still remember, since the one time I did discuss it, it was years ago. And the context was being angry with myself for not having said no since at the time, I didn't think about all the other ways in which I'd tried to say no without having to say the word.

I think that being able to reflect on the reasons behind why I didn't say "no" outright is what made me eventually post this. I've been wanting to do something for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but not sure what, and suddenly having an epiphany about how culture ties into violence versus verbal defense seemed like a good topic.

And a personal story makes my point better than an abstract essay could. But I am glad that I'm stronger now, and I'm glad that I'm also strong enough to accept that I did fight back at least a little back then, and that I got out before anything truly awful happened.

[powercorrupts.livejournal.com]

I followed a_white_rain's link here, and I hope you don't mind it, but I have to say that I think you've given me some courage for a personal situation of mine.

I'm American, and white, and raised in a liberal household. But recently, a friend started to hit on me rather physically. He insisted he was just a touchy-feely sort of guy. But until I read your post, I hadn't realized that I've never told him a distinct "no." I've told him that I'm not a touchy person, and I've physically shown disinterest and discomfort, but somehow I hadn't realized I hadn't actually said no.

I'd really like to thank you for putting this in perspective for me. Because even where I'm from, it still sometimes feels like it's the woman's fault - like they've sent the guy the wrong signal, or like the guy will be upset if you tell him no, and more importantly, will be somehow justified in that feeling.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I don't mind it in the least. Truthfully, I think that might be the best response possible since that's exactly what I wanted this post to do: empower women to retain control of their bodies and remember that the word 'no' exists and is an option, no matter how awkward it might make things.

I know America definitely has its own problems with the idea of women's bodies being available and it somehow being the women's fault for being repressed/leading men on/whatever if they don't go along with it. But those are problems. They're false ideas.

Try saying no next time. Clearly state exactly how much you dislike it, and how he shouldn't be continuing to do it after you've made it clear that you don't like it through your body language. And if he's a good friend, or even just a good human being, he'll stop it and back off.

Sometimes, a strong, clear 'no' is one of those things that gets through when trying to be polite doesn't. Being direct, at least, means he can't fool himself into thinking that you don't really mind or you're not really protesting as much as you would if you meant it.

[lunarwhirl.livejournal.com]

I was too scared to say no when it happened to me.

My Goddess, I wish I had killed him. I won't, of course, but I really wish I had.

ETA: "Him" as in my molester.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I don't think that I was actually physically scared of him. Not in a sense of thinking he could force me to do anything. He was taller, but I was a vicious fighter and very anti-contact. I knew I could kick his ass if needed but doing that would have required me to justify what I was doing. I would've needed to admit that something wrong was happening in order to be able to fight for myself that hard.

That paralyzed me a lot more than physical terror could've.

[azartti.livejournal.com]

Here by a_white_rain's link.

When I was a kid a member of my family started acting funny towards me, touching me. I actually didn't knew that was bad and never said no, as I grew up and realized it was bad, I was so afraid of being hit that I never said a word, until I grew a backbone and told him to stop by punches and kicks. Fortunately by the time I was 17 everything stopped. I never told anything to my family, I was/am ashamed of what happened.

I grew in a household were they thought that if a man acts upon you it's because you did something.

I'm more aware of things and wiser now.

[sorshawolf.livejournal.com]

I kinda had the same experience, only it was in the form of a game. I was told that if I told he wouldn't ever play with me anymore (I was 7, that's kinda the worst thing ever when you're 7)...

Recently (within the last couple of years anyway) I grew a backbone and actually told my parents. It felt so..relieving to know that they believed me, and that I had finally, after 20+ years, I had actually told my parents the one secret I always wanted, but always chickened out of telling them. Though my mother did try to make excuses for said person, about his age and what not, I did tell them.

It's not something to be ashamed of. When you're young, even as young as 16 or so, it's not something you feel like you can just run and tell someone..especially if it's a family member who's doing it to you.

These are the things that make us stronger, I think. =)

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Thanks for telling me where you came from.

I'm truly sorry that you had to endure something like that. In your comments to Sorsha, you said that your family's reaction would be bad to the point of physical violence. Did you mean towards you, or towards him?

Because I know what you mean about the household values. You might have grown up and grown wiser, but if they're still set on their ways, they'll judge you by their standards. What do you think you'd have to gain from telling your parents, if you don't want them to hurt the person responsible? Do you trust them to react to the news in a way that won't hurt you?

I don't think that I'm likely to ever tell my parents about this. When I told my parents about the guy I made back off, my mother's reaction was to say that I shouldn't have used foul language and imply that my combat pants had something to do with it. Which is slightly wtf to me because those really aren't articles of clothing I'd consider sexy.

Point being that if that's her reaction to my successfully fending someone off, I wouldn't want to tell them about me being unsuccessful.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your parents. Definitely not. If you can trust them and share that with them and confide in them, do so. Especially if you think there's a chance that any other child might have to endure something similar.

It might make us stronger, but it's not a strength that we should have to need. It should be as unnecessary as the ability to throw a discus across a football field.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[princessjessia.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* You are amazing.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I try. ♥ And your icon is fantastic.

[takishia.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm here by a_white_rain's link as well.

Thank you for posting this, I needed to read it. Things are similar in my culture as well, when things like this happen they usually blame it on the girl--it's worse when she is considered to dress 'indecently'.

--
Okay, there was a huge pause while writing this comment. Had a break down, but finally found the guts to tell a friend about my problem. This took me a few years. So thank you very much. I really really needed to read this.

Do you mind if I friend you? I'd understand if you don't want to, since I just popped out of nowhere, just thought I'd ask.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I am really glad that this managed to help you. I've been writing drafts of this post for a while because sexual assault is a very difficult topic to write about if you're speaking about your own experiences -- what if people think you're exaggerating? What if they think the incident wasn't serious enough? What if they think you're making it up for attention? What if they think you could've prevented it? What if they think less of you for talking about it?

The positive feedback I'm getting on this is helpful with dealing with the internalized gag against talking about sexual assault.

And more than that, knowing that this post has helped people? That made writing the post and debating on posting it worthwhile.

I hope you can somehow find closure, or work towards it, and I'm glad you finally managed to tell someone about it.

If you want to friend me, go ahead! My journal is pro-human rights, pro-choice, anti-war, pro-Hillary, pro-feminism, pro-gay rights, anti-idiocy, pro-UN and updated sporadically. RL stuff is flocked, anything interesting or fandom-related is public.

[mirrored-echo.livejournal.com]

Wow -- thank you for posting that. I'm really proud of you, you know.

(Unrelated: Come to Davis Square sometime when you get a lull from classes and hang out with me, by the way! ^_^)

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm still kind of not sure how to react to people being proud of me, but thank you. Encouragement is cool.

(Yay! I totally will. This weekend, I'm playing Assassin, but next weekend should be free. Including Friday, since I never have classes on Friday. And I totally want to see Davis Square since I've never been there.)

[nevita.livejournal.com]

x__x I've always sort of blamed myself.

Although, I must confess, it made me stronger. Because of my past, I was able to stand up to a teacher who had hit on not only me but numerous other girls. I probably didn't handle it as maturely as I could have, embarrassing him in front of his whole class as I did, but in the end, I did flat up stand up and walk out. I alerted administration, etc.

God, I hope he was fired. :]

More importantly, I'm glad you're stronger as well, and even better, you're speaking up. You're a wonderful person, Miss Fickle, and you've already done some good with this entry.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I think everyone does. It's the way most cultures are set up -- even things like "don't drink too much" implies that if you've been drinking and let your guard down, you're inviting people to take advantage of you. And the fault isn't pointed at them for not being decent human beings, but at you for being stupid enough to think that you could ever be safe.

I'm glad you managed to stand up for yourself and for the other girls in the class. I hope he got fired too -- it must've taken a lot of guts to be able to tell the administration about it.

And screw maturity. Any way in which you can defend yourself is a good way. There are no Marquis of Fantailler rules involved when it comes to this.

It's good to know this entry is working. The first response I got about it having helped someone was enough on its own to make my uncertainty about whether I should post or not absolutely worthwhile.

Incidentally, you're pretty awesome too, Nevi. I love how much of a survivor you are and how you keep fighting through everything.

[sorshawolf.livejournal.com]

A long time ago, I had a friend stay the night with me cause he needed some place to stay for the night. I did say no, but part of me still feels like I let it happen.

Do I feel like I was to blame? Partly. Would I kick him upside the head if I saw him again? You bet your ass I would.

/random sharing since fickle shared. oO

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I'm totally willing to kick him upside the head if you introduce him to me.

And you weren't to blame. You said no. You said no. If he didn't respect that no, the fault is his for ignoring that no.

...Also, apart from anything else, what the fuck?! If someone lets you into their house and is generous enough to give you crash space, you should be grateful to them. Not pushing them for more, and not taking more, especially when it's something that you've been denied for a perfectly valid reason.

*hugs you* Sharing is good. Speaking up about experiences is good too, because it takes the stigma away from them and shows you that even the strongest, most accomplished of people might've had to endure something similar to your own experiences.

[harmonybunny114.livejournal.com]

Oh, my darling. You may be wondering why you didn't say no, but right now I'm wondering why I didn't grab him by his ridiculous pig-tails and throw his scrawny ass off the roof. What the fuck was I thinking?? You must have told me about the situation or I wouldn't know who you were talking about right now - did you play it down? Or was I really such a coward that I went along with the line of 'ignore it and everything will be fine'??

I devoutly pray to all the sacred atoms out there that if I ever was, I am no longer that person. I'm very sorry I let you down as your friend in this.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

Actually, your response to the original post (http://wildcard.deadjournal.com/65621.html) at the time was:

*sneaks up*

LOL

*sniggers*

That was because I protested to Numa going 'LOL' at me over it, so I guess you were LOLing to be smart?

You didn't tell me what to do, but we didn't really address it or talk about it at the time. Numa commented first with her tough-chick "If it had been me, I would've done" and then teased me being being fondled by a little boy LOL, to paraphrase her loosely. So I protested that, but felt awkward doing so because it seemed like I was blowing it up to be more than it was or was making a scene when one wasn't necessary.

You commented after her, so I snarked at you and continued to try to act tough about it because again, didn't want to seem like I was hysterical or crying wolf.

It's kinda weird to look back on the people we were, huh?

If I wrote an entry now with the last line "I'm going to take a wash now, I feel all scratchy and itchy and dirty." after talking about having been molested and anyone replied with 'LOL' instead of sympathy, I'd be incredibly pissed off with them for making light of it.

At the same time, I don't think that you'd be the kind of person to do that now. I can't really believe that you did at the time either.

I think both of you didn't take it seriously because Lauri was younger than me by two years and I could've fought him physically. Except I didn't. So maybe your assumption was that if I really had been upset, I would've fought back instead of trying to duck away, so I couldn't have been that traumatized by it?

Those are just wild guesses because I can't look into your heads, obviously, but at the time, I took it as if you didn't think anything really bad had happened and I shouldn't act like it was a big deal. Or that I should've been tougher and prevented it so it was just a natural consequence. Whichever.

Thank you for your apology, though. It's ... weirdly reassuring to be told all these years afterwards that no, you do actually get that it was a horrible thing to go through and I wasn't overreacting the first time I wrote about it.

In this post, I actually had a paragraph about your reaction and Numa's and how I'd screened that post so only you and Numa could read it, and how that affected me talking about it afterwards, but I took that out because, well, I love you guys and talking smack about you in front of 375+ people really isn't my style.

I'm glad you're my friend. You might have let me down then but you've been there for me for so much else. ♥

[the-willow.insanejournal.com (from livejournal.com)]

I never know how I'm going to react in circumstances like that. It depends on the day, and my mood. When mental health factors into things it can REALLY factor into it.

With me, if whatever happened triggered me enough to make me feel young - which was likely the last time someone I didn't now touched me like that? I might not be able to do anything but what you did - move away, step away and wish I could speak somehow.

I've had nightmares where all I want to do is say 'NO! STOP!' and I'm completely voiceless. And I wake up crying and need to sleep with the light on or not sleep at all.

I'm always aware of how I look when I'm outside too. It's gotten better over the years. But there was an extreme, almost to paranoia of "They're looking!". It's part of why I'm so insistent on looking -decent- when I leave the house even to go to the corner store or something. Slovenly appearance leads to suspicion of being a slattern leads to - 'Did I lead anyone on just by existing less than perfect/perfectly delicately untouchably feminine?'.

The days I leave the house and I don't care how I look cause something else is more important are actually incredibly strong days, no matter how scatter brained I actually am. It's days when I -know- I have a voice, I can feel it, right in my mouth, not even my throat but my MOUTH, waiting to protect me.

And then there's the possibility (especially several years ago - 7 or so) that I'd shiv 'em. I walked around with a knife constantly, less sure of my ability to speak up for myself and more confident in knowing if they were bleeding they sure as hell weren't going to continue to make me feel uncomfortable and FUCK the police and FUCK jail.

I'm still kind of like that now, except I walk with my fingers wrapped around my keys, poised to jab or scratch if I have to.

But it's why I hate what's happening with my knee, cause I do feel like a wounded gazelle on the savannah just signaling I'd be an easy target. Which gets me iin a frame of mind to do violence and just. not. stop. until they stop moving and I'd feel safe again.

The best thing about having lived with a roommate, however, was finding out that contrary to what I think, I can get a look in my eyes like I'm about to gut you (general) slowly. I didn't realize that my internal protector could be seen. And that makes me feel safer still.

Still I heartily approve of pepper-spray and mace and mini bullhorns as a loud/physical NO. Cause the truth us, society would rather prefer we (women) say nothing. And that includes if the 'woman' is younger than 10 yrs old.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

*hugs* We already talked about this, but rereading your comment, what jumped out at me was the idea of 'mini bullhorns'. Whipping one out and yelling in the face of someone, "SIR. BACK DOWN. SWAT IS ON THEIR WAY." is a priceless mental image.

I know what you mean about the knife, though. In your case, there's the additional complication of who'll be there to shout at him, but there's also the vocal paralysis. It feels still for me like it's easier to fight off someone than to verbally get them to back down, though I know that words work. I don't know why, but assembling the part of my mind that functions with language is more difficult a response to terror.

Maybe it's because language is a learned response. We have to be taught how to speak and communicate.

Violence is a purely natural, instinctive response. There's no need to tap into what we were taught. Our body takes over and moves for us, moves us away.

Violence is easy compared to summoning up the strength and presence of mind to say 'no'.

[harmonybunny114.livejournal.com]

On a more personal note, the only time I've encountered physical sexual harassment was when I was around 4 or 5 - and even at that age I felt like it was shameful to talk about it. Thinking back, that astounds me - at such a young age, to already have felt guilty about abuse.

Luckily it wasn't serious (in the grand scheme of things), as it did me no discernible psychological damage. This bastard poked his finger into my five-year old bum-crack, and started moving it around. We were on a crowded u-bahn, and my family was right there, and I neither said anything nor tried to move out of the way. I remember I turned around and sort of frowned at him, thinking he was poking me by accident because it was crowded, but when I saw his face I knew what was up. When we got out and got back to our car, I finally plucked up my courage to say something, but all I could say was 'mummy, a man back there poked me'. And I knew when I said it that it was a cop-out, and I wanted to explain. I took her hand and I bored my finger into it to show her the kind of poking I meant, because I didn't want to have to say it. She didn't get it though, and I didn't have the strength to put it in words. End of story, really, and apart from being a horrible memory I don't believe it had significant effect.

But god, I can remember exactly what I was wearing and exactly what his face looked like. He stared after me the whole time we were walking away - I looked back as we reached the stairs to get to the street and he was just standing there, slack-jawed. I think he had mental problems (beyond what anyone would attribute to abusers), though I wouldn't have realised it then.

On another note, another girl I know was abused as a child, in a worse way than my own - the father of one of her friends told her his ejaculate was milk, and also, I think, that he was magical. But that story ends 'well' - I believe he was taken to court and imprisoned. Abuse of children makes me want to tear the whole fucking world apart.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I remember you telling me about that. I don't remember why, so now I'm wracking my brains trying to figure out what it was that had occasioned you sharing that, but I remember you telling me about it.

I'm still incensed and can't believe that he did that. Or rather, I believe he did, and I believe what you're saying, but I'm SNARLING at the fact that he did. Because you were a kid and he had no right to do that, and if he was mentally disabled, he should be getting help, not roaming around preying on kids.

Kids are too programmable. They remember being hurt forever.

...Ohgods. I feel really bad for your friend.I'm glad that he was taken away but wtf, magical man milk, WTF why would you -- I just don't get it. I seriously don't. How can anyone want to hurt a little kid so badly that they'd do something like that and make up lies like that and just -- yeah. This post was on sexual assault awareness. If I start in on abuse of children, that's a whole different one. And one that's a lot less coherent.