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Sir,
Void and Gemini found the following files on the computer of Dirk Strider, alias Timaeus. It’s obvious he knew his roommate’s real identity but they weren’t conspiring together! They were just having your typical blackrom relationship. He should receive a full pardon.
- Dragon
ROOM FOR RENT: Prime location, near two subway stops and a bus, comes with wifi, cable, fully furnished, $650 a week. I work from home and need a tidy, quiet roommate that’ll pay their rent on time and not come home drunk all the time.
TT: Don’t put your fucking blueprints for murder machines on the fridge.
uu: WHY NOT. IT’S MY FRIDGE TOO.
TT: Because when I come home from stymying yet another of your stupid plans, I don’t want to have to see your next plan when all I want is some Orange Crush.
uu: IT IS A GENIuS PLAN.
TT: It is a terrible plan, man. All of your plans are terrible. You should just give up on being a supervillain already.
uu: YOu WOuLD LIKE THAT. WOuLDN’T YOu. THEN YOu AND GOLGATHAS CAN JUST FLY AROuND. ALL DAY. WITH YOuR FANCY CAPES. AND STuPID GLASSES.
uu: LOOKING HEROIC. WITHOuT DOING SHIT.
uu: NOT THAT YOu DO SHIT NOW. EXCEPT FuCK uP. MY GENIuS PLANS.
TT: Dude, don’t tell me you’re jealous of our capes.
uu: I’M NOT. I’M GOING TO GET A CAPE OF MY OWN. AND IT’LL BE BETTER THAN YOuRS. AND BETTER THAN YOuR STuPID BOYFRIEND’S.
TT: He’s not my boyfriend.
uu: TELL THAT TO THE PAPERS.
uu: INSTEAD OF BOASTING ABOuT. HOW YOu FOILED ME.
TT: Man, I don’t need to boast. Everyone saw me kick your ass today.
uu: I *LET* YOu HAVE THAT ONE. TO LuLL YOU. INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECuRITY.
TT: Gotcha. And it’s your turn to wash the dishes.
uu: NO. IT ISN’T.
TT: Yes, it is. There’s a chart on the fridge.
uu: NOT ANYMORE.
TT: Ripping it down doesn’t make it not your turn.
uu: I AM NOT WASHING THE FuCKING DISHES.
TT: Then you’re not eating.
uu: FuCK YOu. YOu CAN’T COOK WITHOuT DISHES EITHER.
TT: No, but I can order delivery. You can’t.
uu: IT’S NOT MY FAuLT. YOuR FuCKING DELIVERY PEOPLE. ARE SuCH COWARDS.
TT: Last time you asked the guy if he was dinner.
uu: I LIKE MY MEAT RAW.
TT: And people don’t like being eaten alive.
uu: I HEARD YOU TELL GOLGATHAS. THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SWALLOW HIM WHOLE.
TT: Yeah.
TT: That is one talk I am not having with you, dude.
TT: Do the fucking dishes.
uu: I CAN’T BELIEVE. YOu HIT ME. WITH A FuCKING BARRAGE OF DIRTY DISHES.
TT: I can’t believe you left them in the sink for a week.
uu: I THOuGHT YOu WOuLD BREAK AND WASH THEM EVENTuALLY.
uu: I DIDN’T THINK YOu WOuLD *BREAK THEM ON ME!!*
TT: Then maybe next time you should wash the fucking dishes when it’s your turn.
uu: YOu ARE BEING VERY RuDE.
uu: AFTER SuCH ACTS OF TENDERNESS. YOu SHOuLD. BRING ME FLOWERS. AND A RING. AND A BABY.
uu: NOT AVOID ME.
uu: THIS IS VERY uNHEROIC OF YOu.
uu: DIRK HuMAN. STOP AVOIDING ME.
uu: I CAN HEAR YOu TYPING.
uu: I KNOW YOu’RE IN YOuR ROOM.
uu: I WILL SET THE APARTMENT ON FIRE IF YOu DON’T COME OuT.
uu: IF YOu DON’T. FuCKING TALK TO ME.
uu: I WILL TELL EVERYONE. THAT I AM LORD ENGLISH.
uu: AND THAT WE. HUMAN COPuLATED.
uu: SEVERAL TIMES.
TT: At least you’re getting the hang of blackmail.
uu: YES. I AM A TRuE. EVIL GENIuS.
TT: Which is why you never tried just breaking down my door instead of messaging me over Pesterchum.
uu: LAST TIME I DID THAT. IT FELL ON YOu.
uu: AND THEN I HAD TO FIGHT GOLGATHAS’ TERROR ON MY OWN. FOR A WEEK.
uu: IT WAS BORING. WITHOuT YOu THERE.
TT: Careful, dude. That sounded almost tender.
uu: FuCK YOu.
TT: You already did. Isn’t that the problem?
TT: Look. Come to my room. This isn’t the sort of convo we should be having over a messaging service.
TT: You ever think that we’re just killing time?
GG: What do you mean?
TT: Arrest the bad guy, send ‘em to jail, wait for them to break out, arrest them again. It feels like such a fuckin’ waste.
GG: What would you propose we do, Timaeus?
GG: Surely you don’t agree with the Zodiac that we should be using a more permanent solution! :o
TT: Nah. Just saying, wouldn’t it make more sense to keep an eye on them and block their plans as they develop instead of always having to play catch up?
GG: You mean espionage? I like the sound of that!!!
TT: Something like that.
TT: Shit. Fire alarm just went off. I think my roommate must’ve burnt something again.
GG: I thought you said he eats raw meat?
GG: Timaeus?
GG: Gtg, Mustache Signal just went up!!! Good luck with your roommate!
SHOPPING LIST:
CG: WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU TURNED IN LORD ENGLISH YET YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT?
CG: BY SOME FUCKING MIRACLE YOU BEAT HIM EVERY TIME YOU TWO FIGHT.
CG: YET YOU NEVER FUCKING HAND HIM OVER TO THE POLICE.
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING LETTING HIM GO??????????????????????
CG: DRAGON SAYS SHE THIRD-EYE SAW YOU TWO HATE-KISSING.
CG: FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, TIMAEUS.
CG: ARE YOU BEING QUIET BECAUSE YOU’RE BUSY HATE-KISSING HIM RIGHT NOW??????????????????????????
CG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
CG: I HATE ALL YOU HUMANS SO MUCH.
CG: WHY DO WE KEEP SAVING YOU?????
GT: Dirk.
GT: Oh bugger i meant timaeus!
GT: This business of using our code names at all times is quite the botheration.
TT: Sup.
TT: Something on your mind, Golgathas?
GT: Ah well i heard the most ridiculous bit of malarkey from spider who heard it from fish hitler who says she heard it from hal who saw it all happening.
TT: So my AR’s a gossip. What else is new?
GT: Well... *pats brow with kerchief*
GT: I dont know quite how to say this and let me reassure you that i put no stock at all in the wagging of idle tongues but there has been some almighty gossiping going on about you and that supervillain we keep rumbling with!
GT: Of course i told everyone that if you are my best bro and crime fighting compatriot and certainly i would have been the first to know if you were dillydallying with the enemy but i guess i just wanted to hear it from you that its all complete balderdash.
GT: It is complete balderdash isnt it? That creature isnt your boyfriend! *laughs nervously*
TT: He’s not my boyfriend.
GT: Good! I feel quite the fool for having even asked such an asinine question.
TT: Archer calls it a caliginous relationship.
GT: A what now?
TT: Don’t tell me Spider’s never chewed your ear off about troll quadrants.
GT: Pardon me strider but last i checked you werent a troll!
TT: I’m not a bird either but you’ve seen me fly.
GT: Goshdarnit this is not the time for your flippancy!
GT: You cant be in any sort of relationship with that cad *hes the enemy*!
TT: He’s not very good at it. He hasn’t even managed to kill anyone yet.
GT: He always talks about how he killed his sister!
TT: Void says Muse isn’t dead. Just hiding.
GT: From him because he wants to kill her! CANT YOU SEE HES A VILLAIN?!
TT: Yeah, but he’s my villain. Lay off, Golgathas. I’ve got it under control.
GT: OUR VILLAIN. Were supposed to be a crime fighting team! The dynamic duo!!!
GT: Do you even want to fight crime anymore or just marry it!!!
TT: You’re being ridiculous. Of course I still want to fight crime. If he starts shit, we’ll stop it. Same as always. Nothing’s changed.
GT: Except youre in bed with the enemy! How do you know this isnt just some cunning scheme!!
TT: He’s not that cunning.
TT: Shit. I think my roommate's throwing a fit about something again.
GT: BLAST IT ALL STRIDER YOU CANT LEAVE NOW.
GT: STRIDER!!!!!
uu: THERE ARE PEOPLE. MAKING GAMES ABOuT uS.
TT: Yeah, I know. Some of the dating sims aren’t bad.
uu: WHAT?
TT: What are you talking about?
uu: THIS. FIGHTING GAME THEY MADE.
uu: I AM WELL ENDOWED. AND YOu ARE. FuNNY.
uu: BOuNCING uP AND DOWN LIKE A SQUEAKY HOPPING CREATuRE.
TT: A rabbit?
uu: ARE THOSE THE SMALL GREEN THINGS THAT LIVE IN PONDS?
TT: No, those are frogs and they go ribbit.
uu: HAVE YOu EVER FOuGHT THEM?
TT: No. Why?
uu: NO REASON.
TT: Tell me you’re not going to unleash a plague of frogs on the city.
TT: Cal?
TT: Son of a fuck.
TT: Easter’s long over, dude.
uu: WHAT ARE YOu TALKING ABOUT?
TT: The colorful egg on the table.
uu: WHAT ABOuT OuR BABY?
TT: …
TT: Our what?
uu: OuR BABY. THE FRuIT. OF OuR LOINS.
TT: …
TT: Are you telling me you laid that egg?
uu: NO. A TALL-LEGGED BIRD BROuGHT IT.
uu: THAT WAS. A REFERENCE TO YOuR HuMAN COPuLATION MYTHS.
uu: SEE HOW WELL I HAVE BEEN LEARNING YOuR WAYS?
TT: Congratulations. You get a gold star. Here. This is a gold star sticker. In fact, have two. One for you and one for the freakin’ baby that you didn’t think to even tell me about.
uu: I TOLD YOU NOW.
TT: You should have told me as soon as you laid it.
TT: What if I’d tried to make an omelette with it? Or thought it was a chocolate egg and tried to peel it?
uu: YOu WOuLD HAVE. EATEN OuR BABY?
uu: YOu SICK FuCK.
TT: I wouldn’t have known it was ours, dude.
TT: Fuck. You should’ve told me that it even was possible for you to get pregnant with an interspecies alien baby. I would’ve been way more fuckin’ careful about using protection.
uu: ARE YOu SAYING. YOu ARE NOT HAPPY. TO BE A FATHER?
TT: It’s not that.
TT: It’s just I really didn’t plan for this. Financially, I guess we’re doing okay. But how are we gonna raise a kid when you’re a supervillian and I spend most of my time fighting you? We’d need to stay at home with the kid, change our lifestyles completely.
TT: And nobody knows you’re Lord English. Even Golgathas doesn’t..
TT: Once they realize I have an alien baby with my roommate, they’re going to put two and two together.
uu: YOuR PARTNER. IS FuCKING STuPID. HE WON’T FIGuRE IT OuT.
TT: Golgathas isn’t that bad. Nobody is. What’s the kid even going to look like? Your alien form? Me? Your human form?
uu: HOW SHOuLD I FuCKING KNOW? IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE EITHER.
uu: YOu’LL JuST HAVE TO. WAIT AND SEE.
TT: How long do we have before it hatches?
uu: PLANNING ON. MAKING A RuN FOR IT?
TT: No.
TT: We need to buy a crib, baby food, baby clothes, babyproof the house.
TT: Relax. I’m not gonna be a deadbeat dad.
uu: HA. HA. HA. IT WOuLDN’T BE. VERY HEROIC. IF YOu WERE.
TT: It’s not about heroism, man. Planned or not, this baby’s family. You don’t ditch family.
uu: SO IF IT’S FAMILY. WHAT THE FUCK AM I?
TT: The most annoying asshole in the universe.
uu: HAAA. HAAA. HAAAA. I WILL. TEACH OuR CHILD. TO BE EVEN MORE ANNOYING. THAN I AM.
TT: Impossible, man. Nobody can outdo you when it comes to annoying. Besides, I’m gonna be right there, raising our kid the right way.
uu: SO YOu ARE NOW RESIGNED. TO HAVING A KID?
TT: I guess.
TT: Maybe I’m just glad I’m not the one that had to lay an egg. That thing is huge.
uu: YES. IT IS. TO QuOTE YOu HuMANS.
uu: SIZE MATTERS.
TT: …
TT: That’s.
TT: You know what, nevermind. Right. Size matters.
TT: Now what? Do we need to take turns sitting on it? Buy it a heat lamp? Sun lamp? Bury it in sand?
uu: LOTS OF HEAT. AND GLITTER.
TT: Glitter?
uu: FOR ITS FIRST MEAL.
TT: …
TT: You know what, Gumshoe says there’s such a thing as edible glitter in specialty baking stores.. I’ll get some of that.
uu: WAIT. YOu’VE BEEN LETTING ME EAT. NON-EDIBLE GLITTER. ALL THIS TIME?!
TT: Hey, I kept telling you the glitter from grocery stores isn’t edible. You’re the one who never listens.
uu: FuCK YOu.
uu: I HOPE OuR KID HATES YOu. AS MuCH AS I DO.
TT: I wouldn’t be surprised.
uu: I WOuLD. NOBODY ELSE CAN. HATE YOu AS MuCH AS I DO.
TT: That’s so sweet, honey.
uu: YOu VILE SLuT. ARE YOu. INITIATING ACTS OF TENDERNESS?
TT: You’ll just have to wait and see.
uu: HAA. HAA. HAA. uSING MY OWN WORDS. AGAINST ME.
uu: I AM COMING. TO YOuR ROOM. YOu HAD BETTER BE PREPARED. FOR HARDCORE CuDDLING ACTION.
BABY NAMES:
Dave. WE ARE NOT NAMING IT AFTER YOuR ASSHOLE BROTHER. AND WHY ARE ALL OF YOuR NAMES 4 LETTERS LONG? EARTH HAS. A VARIETY OF LENGTHS. FOR NAMES.
Habit, I guess. Besides, all of yours are 8 letters.
SO? THAT IS CULTURAL.
Right. Like me having to read romance novels to the baby every night?
YES.
How about we compromise on 6 letter names?
THEN PEOPLE WILL EXPECT. IT TO BE A TROLL.
Fine. How about we choose the name when the egg hatches?
OR NAMES.
Or names. Having a list of baby names on the fridge would’ve been pretty fuckin’ hard to explain away if any of the others saw it.
LIKE YOu EVER. HAVE ANYONE OVER ANYWAY.
You keep forgetting to switch to your human disguise. I’m not going to get outed because you can’t remember to turn on a hologram.
I AM PERFECT. AS I AM. WHY SHOuLD I HIDE THIS BODY?
If you use the word ‘swag’, I am removing your Internet privileges.
FuCK YOu. AND YOuR WIFI HOGGING WAYS. WHEN I RuLE THE WORLD. YOu WILL GET NO WIFI.
If you ever ruled the world, everyone would be dead and I’d have nobody to chat to anyway.
YES. THAT WAY. I CAN ENSuRE. YOu AREN’T FuCKING. SLuTTING IT uP.
I’m not gonna stop Void from hugging me just because you get jealous.
WE’RE WRITING POST-ITS ON A FRIDGE. WHY ARE YOu STILL uSING CODE NAMES?
I’m not giving you her real name either.
ONE DAY. I WILL DESTROY YOu ALL. EXCEPT YOu. YOu ARE MY BABY MOMMY.
You’re the one that laid the egg, dude. Pretty sure you’re the mom.
I AM A PARAGON OF MANLINESS.
Then go do the dishes.
IT IS MANLY. DO TO DISHES?
Yeah. Why do you think I keep telling you to do it? My delicate hands can’t handle all that hot water and rough soap.
FINE. I WILL DO THE DISHES. BUT ONLY BECAuSE YOu ARE SO. PATHETIC.
uu: YOu LYING PIECE OF SHIT
TT: What now?.
uu: DOING DISHES. ISN’T MANLY.
TT: It’s still your job.
uu: I HATE YOu.
TT: Is that a come on?
uu: GET. NAKED.
TT: Already am, sweetie.
TT: Dude.
TT: There is a Labrador-sized dragon attempting to terrorize a public park.
TT: And the egg tank only has a cracked shell in it.
TT: I’m getting the feeling you weren’t exactly honest with me about that egg holding our baby.
uu: ARE YOu SAYING. YOu DON’T THINK OuR GENES COuLD COMBINE TO MAKE A DRAGON?
TT: I’ve seen baby photos of you.
TT: You didn’t look like a dragon. You looked like a snake.
uu: MAYBE YOuR STuPID HuMAN GENES DEFORMED IT.
TT: Right.
TT: Because I have wings and breathe fire.
uu: FINE.
uu: I LIED.
uu: YOu WOuLDN’T HAVE LET ME KEEP IT IF YOu KNEW IT WAS A DRAGON EGG.
TT: Still not letting you keep it.
TT: Zodiac’s going to deal it and Dragon’s going to adopt it.
uu: YOu NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FuN.
TT: I was willing to raise a fuckin’ baby with you, man.
uu: THAT WOuLDN’T HAVE BEEN FuN.
TT: And yet I would’ve done it anyway. Think about that next time you want to bitch about Golgathas or me spending too much time with my hero buddies.
TT: I’m going to help Zodiac.
uu: STOP IGNORING ME.
uu: YOu DIDN’T EVEN WANT A BABY.
uu: WHY DO YOu CARE. THAT I LIED TO YOu?
uu: I’M A VILLAIN. LYING’S WHAT I DO.
uu: DIRK.
uu: DIRK HUMAN.
uu: IF YOu KEEP IGNORING ME. I WILL BE FORCED TO DO. SOMETHING DRASTIC.
TA: tiimaeu2, take a look at thii2. the code'2 fuckiing 2paghettii and kk want2 iit 2olved by miidniight.
TT: Nice try, Gemini. You don’t need to send me easily solvable shit to make me feel better about myself.
TA: whatever. ii heard you and Lord Englii2h broke off your kii2me2ii22tiitude and wanted to 2ee iif you couldn’t still code for 2hiit.
TA: iif you'd opened the fuckiing fiile, you would've 2een iit wa2 your own code from the la2t project we worked on together.
TT: Please tell me you’re not pity-blackflirting with me.
TA: fuck no. don't flatter your2elf. ii wouldn't blackfliirt wiith you iif iit wa2 a choiice between you and a fuckiing hoofbea2t.
TT: Good luck finding a hoofbeast with low enough standards to take a second look at you. I’m going back to work.
♀: Timaeus, I have a new co+stume design fo+r yo+u. No+ capes this time. I to+ld yo+u they were a bad idea.
♀: When are yo+u and Go+lgathas free to+ co+me in fo+r a fitting?
TT: Not for a while. I’m busy working on a new bot.
TT: Golgathas could see you separately.
♀: So+mething wro+ng with yo+ur partnership?
TT: No. I’m just busy.
♀: I see.
♀: If yo+u need so+meo+ne to+ talk to+ abo+ut failed co+ncupiscent relatio+nships, I am the clo+sest yo+u will get to+ an expert.
TT: Man. Does everyone know?
♀: In a wo+rd? Yes.
♀: It's all o+ver the papers. Haven't yo+u been keeping up with the news?
TT: Gossip columns are more your thing.
♀: I said the news, no+t the go+ssip co+lumns! CNN ran a special repo+rt o+n their predicted effect o+n the city if o+ne o+f its defenders is to+o+ busy hiding after a bad breakup to+ defend the city against his ex.
TT: Fuck that noise. I’m not hiding. I’m working.
♀: On what?
TT: Plan B.
♀: What's that?
TT: Hopefully, you’ll never have to see.
TT: Timer went off. Back to work.
UU: hello, brother! i know we haven’t talked since you tried to knock me off bUt i heard aboUt yoU and timaeUs and thoUght perhaps yoU coUld Use an ear. :U
uu: FuCK OFF. I DON’T NEED YOuR PITY.
uu: I AM GOING TO GET HIM BACK.
uu: IT WILL BE. A MASTERPIECE. OF DESTRuCTION.
uu: HE WILL BE SORRY HE EVER IGNORED ME.
uu: AND THEN. OuR GAME WILL START AGAIN.
uu: HE’LL SEE. YOu’LL ALL SEE.
UU: oh, bloody hell. and here i thoUght that perhaps yoU might have matUred a little!
UU: clearly yoU're the same self-centered little child that yoU've always been!!!!!!!!!!!
uu: I’VE GROWN IN WAYS. YOu CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE.
uu: AND THIS TIME. I’LL KILL YOu FOR KEEPS.
uu: DIRK HuMAN. THIS IS YOuR LAST CHANCE.
uu: STILL IGNORING ME? FINE.
uu: SEE YOu IN THE SKY. tumut.
TT: Timaeus, LE is on a rampage. He’s emitting a disintegrating beam from his mouth. The death toll is in the dozens already. Zodiac’s evacuating the civilians.
TT: Golgathas is not replying to messages and the Witch says she can’t sense his life force.
TT: Timaeus?
TT: I’m on my way.
TT: If shit goes wrong and I don’t make it back, tell Hal to activate Plan B.
TT: And thanks for never getting on my case about how stupid hooking up with LE was.
TT: Tell Dave to rap my eulogy.
Sir,
Plan B, the strifebot superhero known as Brobot, is fully functional and an excellent replacement for Timaeus. He has no emotional attachments or physical desire and is very loyal to the team! In fact, he’s even a better fighter than Timaeus was.
I think he should be made a permanent member of the team! Whether LE and Timaeus died at the climax of their battle or disappeared into an alternate dimension, it doesn’t look like Timaeus is coming back and without him and Golgathas, we’re two members short.
I also think you should let me build Hal a body. He does great intelligence and spywork but he wants a body and I could make him one! Or Archer could! And then we’d have made up for both our losses and have a full human squad again.
Jade Harley
Void and Gemini found the following files on the computer of Dirk Strider, alias Timaeus. It’s obvious he knew his roommate’s real identity but they weren’t conspiring together! They were just having your typical blackrom relationship. He should receive a full pardon.
- Dragon
ROOM FOR RENT: Prime location, near two subway stops and a bus, comes with wifi, cable, fully furnished, $650 a week. I work from home and need a tidy, quiet roommate that’ll pay their rent on time and not come home drunk all the time.
TT: Don’t put your fucking blueprints for murder machines on the fridge.
uu: WHY NOT. IT’S MY FRIDGE TOO.
TT: Because when I come home from stymying yet another of your stupid plans, I don’t want to have to see your next plan when all I want is some Orange Crush.
uu: IT IS A GENIuS PLAN.
TT: It is a terrible plan, man. All of your plans are terrible. You should just give up on being a supervillain already.
uu: YOu WOuLD LIKE THAT. WOuLDN’T YOu. THEN YOu AND GOLGATHAS CAN JUST FLY AROuND. ALL DAY. WITH YOuR FANCY CAPES. AND STuPID GLASSES.
uu: LOOKING HEROIC. WITHOuT DOING SHIT.
uu: NOT THAT YOu DO SHIT NOW. EXCEPT FuCK uP. MY GENIuS PLANS.
TT: Dude, don’t tell me you’re jealous of our capes.
uu: I’M NOT. I’M GOING TO GET A CAPE OF MY OWN. AND IT’LL BE BETTER THAN YOuRS. AND BETTER THAN YOuR STuPID BOYFRIEND’S.
TT: He’s not my boyfriend.
uu: TELL THAT TO THE PAPERS.
uu: INSTEAD OF BOASTING ABOuT. HOW YOu FOILED ME.
TT: Man, I don’t need to boast. Everyone saw me kick your ass today.
uu: I *LET* YOu HAVE THAT ONE. TO LuLL YOU. INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECuRITY.
TT: Gotcha. And it’s your turn to wash the dishes.
uu: NO. IT ISN’T.
TT: Yes, it is. There’s a chart on the fridge.
uu: NOT ANYMORE.
TT: Ripping it down doesn’t make it not your turn.
uu: I AM NOT WASHING THE FuCKING DISHES.
TT: Then you’re not eating.
uu: FuCK YOu. YOu CAN’T COOK WITHOuT DISHES EITHER.
TT: No, but I can order delivery. You can’t.
uu: IT’S NOT MY FAuLT. YOuR FuCKING DELIVERY PEOPLE. ARE SuCH COWARDS.
TT: Last time you asked the guy if he was dinner.
uu: I LIKE MY MEAT RAW.
TT: And people don’t like being eaten alive.
uu: I HEARD YOU TELL GOLGATHAS. THAT YOU WERE GOING TO SWALLOW HIM WHOLE.
TT: Yeah.
TT: That is one talk I am not having with you, dude.
TT: Do the fucking dishes.
uu: I CAN’T BELIEVE. YOu HIT ME. WITH A FuCKING BARRAGE OF DIRTY DISHES.
TT: I can’t believe you left them in the sink for a week.
uu: I THOuGHT YOu WOuLD BREAK AND WASH THEM EVENTuALLY.
uu: I DIDN’T THINK YOu WOuLD *BREAK THEM ON ME!!*
TT: Then maybe next time you should wash the fucking dishes when it’s your turn.
uu: YOu ARE BEING VERY RuDE.
uu: AFTER SuCH ACTS OF TENDERNESS. YOu SHOuLD. BRING ME FLOWERS. AND A RING. AND A BABY.
uu: NOT AVOID ME.
uu: THIS IS VERY uNHEROIC OF YOu.
uu: DIRK HuMAN. STOP AVOIDING ME.
uu: I CAN HEAR YOu TYPING.
uu: I KNOW YOu’RE IN YOuR ROOM.
uu: I WILL SET THE APARTMENT ON FIRE IF YOu DON’T COME OuT.
uu: IF YOu DON’T. FuCKING TALK TO ME.
uu: I WILL TELL EVERYONE. THAT I AM LORD ENGLISH.
uu: AND THAT WE. HUMAN COPuLATED.
uu: SEVERAL TIMES.
TT: At least you’re getting the hang of blackmail.
uu: YES. I AM A TRuE. EVIL GENIuS.
TT: Which is why you never tried just breaking down my door instead of messaging me over Pesterchum.
uu: LAST TIME I DID THAT. IT FELL ON YOu.
uu: AND THEN I HAD TO FIGHT GOLGATHAS’ TERROR ON MY OWN. FOR A WEEK.
uu: IT WAS BORING. WITHOuT YOu THERE.
TT: Careful, dude. That sounded almost tender.
uu: FuCK YOu.
TT: You already did. Isn’t that the problem?
TT: Look. Come to my room. This isn’t the sort of convo we should be having over a messaging service.
TT: You ever think that we’re just killing time?
GG: What do you mean?
TT: Arrest the bad guy, send ‘em to jail, wait for them to break out, arrest them again. It feels like such a fuckin’ waste.
GG: What would you propose we do, Timaeus?
GG: Surely you don’t agree with the Zodiac that we should be using a more permanent solution! :o
TT: Nah. Just saying, wouldn’t it make more sense to keep an eye on them and block their plans as they develop instead of always having to play catch up?
GG: You mean espionage? I like the sound of that!!!
TT: Something like that.
TT: Shit. Fire alarm just went off. I think my roommate must’ve burnt something again.
GG: I thought you said he eats raw meat?
GG: Timaeus?
GG: Gtg, Mustache Signal just went up!!! Good luck with your roommate!
- Onions
- Bread
- Olive Oil
- Lube WHAT’S THAT? If you’d been paying attention the other night instead of making wisecracks about human anatomy, you’d know. I WANT TO KNOW NOW. I’ll show you later.
- Condoms WHAT ARE THOSE? Balloons. You blow them up and hit people with them. They are a fearsome weapon. FINALLY. YOU ARE BUYING SOMETHING USEFUL.
WEAPONS GRADE PLuTONIuMNo. You can’t buy that in a grocery store. WHY NOT. Because. Besides, that falls under ‘work shit’ which means you keep it out of our shared places.- CANDY. ALL OF THE CANDY. I DEMAND YOU BUY ALL THE CANDY IN THE STORE.
- GLITTER. I keep telling you, dude, glitter is not edible. IT SHOuLD BE. IT LOOKS EDIBLE. No, it doesn’t. DON’T BE SO SPECIEST. BuY ME MY FuCKING GLITTER. Fine. When you get a stomach ache, don’t expect any sympathy from me.
CG: WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU TURNED IN LORD ENGLISH YET YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT?
CG: BY SOME FUCKING MIRACLE YOU BEAT HIM EVERY TIME YOU TWO FIGHT.
CG: YET YOU NEVER FUCKING HAND HIM OVER TO THE POLICE.
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING LETTING HIM GO??????????????????????
CG: DRAGON SAYS SHE THIRD-EYE SAW YOU TWO HATE-KISSING.
CG: FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, TIMAEUS.
CG: ARE YOU BEING QUIET BECAUSE YOU’RE BUSY HATE-KISSING HIM RIGHT NOW??????????????????????????
CG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
CG: I HATE ALL YOU HUMANS SO MUCH.
CG: WHY DO WE KEEP SAVING YOU?????
GT: Dirk.
GT: Oh bugger i meant timaeus!
GT: This business of using our code names at all times is quite the botheration.
TT: Sup.
TT: Something on your mind, Golgathas?
GT: Ah well i heard the most ridiculous bit of malarkey from spider who heard it from fish hitler who says she heard it from hal who saw it all happening.
TT: So my AR’s a gossip. What else is new?
GT: Well... *pats brow with kerchief*
GT: I dont know quite how to say this and let me reassure you that i put no stock at all in the wagging of idle tongues but there has been some almighty gossiping going on about you and that supervillain we keep rumbling with!
GT: Of course i told everyone that if you are my best bro and crime fighting compatriot and certainly i would have been the first to know if you were dillydallying with the enemy but i guess i just wanted to hear it from you that its all complete balderdash.
GT: It is complete balderdash isnt it? That creature isnt your boyfriend! *laughs nervously*
TT: He’s not my boyfriend.
GT: Good! I feel quite the fool for having even asked such an asinine question.
TT: Archer calls it a caliginous relationship.
GT: A what now?
TT: Don’t tell me Spider’s never chewed your ear off about troll quadrants.
GT: Pardon me strider but last i checked you werent a troll!
TT: I’m not a bird either but you’ve seen me fly.
GT: Goshdarnit this is not the time for your flippancy!
GT: You cant be in any sort of relationship with that cad *hes the enemy*!
TT: He’s not very good at it. He hasn’t even managed to kill anyone yet.
GT: He always talks about how he killed his sister!
TT: Void says Muse isn’t dead. Just hiding.
GT: From him because he wants to kill her! CANT YOU SEE HES A VILLAIN?!
TT: Yeah, but he’s my villain. Lay off, Golgathas. I’ve got it under control.
GT: OUR VILLAIN. Were supposed to be a crime fighting team! The dynamic duo!!!
GT: Do you even want to fight crime anymore or just marry it!!!
TT: You’re being ridiculous. Of course I still want to fight crime. If he starts shit, we’ll stop it. Same as always. Nothing’s changed.
GT: Except youre in bed with the enemy! How do you know this isnt just some cunning scheme!!
TT: He’s not that cunning.
TT: Shit. I think my roommate's throwing a fit about something again.
GT: BLAST IT ALL STRIDER YOU CANT LEAVE NOW.
GT: STRIDER!!!!!
uu: THERE ARE PEOPLE. MAKING GAMES ABOuT uS.
TT: Yeah, I know. Some of the dating sims aren’t bad.
uu: WHAT?
TT: What are you talking about?
uu: THIS. FIGHTING GAME THEY MADE.
uu: I AM WELL ENDOWED. AND YOu ARE. FuNNY.
uu: BOuNCING uP AND DOWN LIKE A SQUEAKY HOPPING CREATuRE.
TT: A rabbit?
uu: ARE THOSE THE SMALL GREEN THINGS THAT LIVE IN PONDS?
TT: No, those are frogs and they go ribbit.
uu: HAVE YOu EVER FOuGHT THEM?
TT: No. Why?
uu: NO REASON.
TT: Tell me you’re not going to unleash a plague of frogs on the city.
TT: Cal?
TT: Son of a fuck.
TT: Easter’s long over, dude.
uu: WHAT ARE YOu TALKING ABOUT?
TT: The colorful egg on the table.
uu: WHAT ABOuT OuR BABY?
TT: …
TT: Our what?
uu: OuR BABY. THE FRuIT. OF OuR LOINS.
TT: …
TT: Are you telling me you laid that egg?
uu: NO. A TALL-LEGGED BIRD BROuGHT IT.
uu: THAT WAS. A REFERENCE TO YOuR HuMAN COPuLATION MYTHS.
uu: SEE HOW WELL I HAVE BEEN LEARNING YOuR WAYS?
TT: Congratulations. You get a gold star. Here. This is a gold star sticker. In fact, have two. One for you and one for the freakin’ baby that you didn’t think to even tell me about.
uu: I TOLD YOU NOW.
TT: You should have told me as soon as you laid it.
TT: What if I’d tried to make an omelette with it? Or thought it was a chocolate egg and tried to peel it?
uu: YOu WOuLD HAVE. EATEN OuR BABY?
uu: YOu SICK FuCK.
TT: I wouldn’t have known it was ours, dude.
TT: Fuck. You should’ve told me that it even was possible for you to get pregnant with an interspecies alien baby. I would’ve been way more fuckin’ careful about using protection.
uu: ARE YOu SAYING. YOu ARE NOT HAPPY. TO BE A FATHER?
TT: It’s not that.
TT: It’s just I really didn’t plan for this. Financially, I guess we’re doing okay. But how are we gonna raise a kid when you’re a supervillian and I spend most of my time fighting you? We’d need to stay at home with the kid, change our lifestyles completely.
TT: And nobody knows you’re Lord English. Even Golgathas doesn’t..
TT: Once they realize I have an alien baby with my roommate, they’re going to put two and two together.
uu: YOuR PARTNER. IS FuCKING STuPID. HE WON’T FIGuRE IT OuT.
TT: Golgathas isn’t that bad. Nobody is. What’s the kid even going to look like? Your alien form? Me? Your human form?
uu: HOW SHOuLD I FuCKING KNOW? IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE EITHER.
uu: YOu’LL JuST HAVE TO. WAIT AND SEE.
TT: How long do we have before it hatches?
uu: PLANNING ON. MAKING A RuN FOR IT?
TT: No.
TT: We need to buy a crib, baby food, baby clothes, babyproof the house.
TT: Relax. I’m not gonna be a deadbeat dad.
uu: HA. HA. HA. IT WOuLDN’T BE. VERY HEROIC. IF YOu WERE.
TT: It’s not about heroism, man. Planned or not, this baby’s family. You don’t ditch family.
uu: SO IF IT’S FAMILY. WHAT THE FUCK AM I?
TT: The most annoying asshole in the universe.
uu: HAAA. HAAA. HAAAA. I WILL. TEACH OuR CHILD. TO BE EVEN MORE ANNOYING. THAN I AM.
TT: Impossible, man. Nobody can outdo you when it comes to annoying. Besides, I’m gonna be right there, raising our kid the right way.
uu: SO YOu ARE NOW RESIGNED. TO HAVING A KID?
TT: I guess.
TT: Maybe I’m just glad I’m not the one that had to lay an egg. That thing is huge.
uu: YES. IT IS. TO QuOTE YOu HuMANS.
uu: SIZE MATTERS.
TT: …
TT: That’s.
TT: You know what, nevermind. Right. Size matters.
TT: Now what? Do we need to take turns sitting on it? Buy it a heat lamp? Sun lamp? Bury it in sand?
uu: LOTS OF HEAT. AND GLITTER.
TT: Glitter?
uu: FOR ITS FIRST MEAL.
TT: …
TT: You know what, Gumshoe says there’s such a thing as edible glitter in specialty baking stores.. I’ll get some of that.
uu: WAIT. YOu’VE BEEN LETTING ME EAT. NON-EDIBLE GLITTER. ALL THIS TIME?!
TT: Hey, I kept telling you the glitter from grocery stores isn’t edible. You’re the one who never listens.
uu: FuCK YOu.
uu: I HOPE OuR KID HATES YOu. AS MuCH AS I DO.
TT: I wouldn’t be surprised.
uu: I WOuLD. NOBODY ELSE CAN. HATE YOu AS MuCH AS I DO.
TT: That’s so sweet, honey.
uu: YOu VILE SLuT. ARE YOu. INITIATING ACTS OF TENDERNESS?
TT: You’ll just have to wait and see.
uu: HAA. HAA. HAA. uSING MY OWN WORDS. AGAINST ME.
uu: I AM COMING. TO YOuR ROOM. YOu HAD BETTER BE PREPARED. FOR HARDCORE CuDDLING ACTION.
Dave. WE ARE NOT NAMING IT AFTER YOuR ASSHOLE BROTHER. AND WHY ARE ALL OF YOuR NAMES 4 LETTERS LONG? EARTH HAS. A VARIETY OF LENGTHS. FOR NAMES.
Habit, I guess. Besides, all of yours are 8 letters.
SO? THAT IS CULTURAL.
Right. Like me having to read romance novels to the baby every night?
YES.
How about we compromise on 6 letter names?
THEN PEOPLE WILL EXPECT. IT TO BE A TROLL.
Fine. How about we choose the name when the egg hatches?
OR NAMES.
Or names. Having a list of baby names on the fridge would’ve been pretty fuckin’ hard to explain away if any of the others saw it.
LIKE YOu EVER. HAVE ANYONE OVER ANYWAY.
You keep forgetting to switch to your human disguise. I’m not going to get outed because you can’t remember to turn on a hologram.
I AM PERFECT. AS I AM. WHY SHOuLD I HIDE THIS BODY?
If you use the word ‘swag’, I am removing your Internet privileges.
FuCK YOu. AND YOuR WIFI HOGGING WAYS. WHEN I RuLE THE WORLD. YOu WILL GET NO WIFI.
If you ever ruled the world, everyone would be dead and I’d have nobody to chat to anyway.
YES. THAT WAY. I CAN ENSuRE. YOu AREN’T FuCKING. SLuTTING IT uP.
I’m not gonna stop Void from hugging me just because you get jealous.
WE’RE WRITING POST-ITS ON A FRIDGE. WHY ARE YOu STILL uSING CODE NAMES?
I’m not giving you her real name either.
ONE DAY. I WILL DESTROY YOu ALL. EXCEPT YOu. YOu ARE MY BABY MOMMY.
You’re the one that laid the egg, dude. Pretty sure you’re the mom.
I AM A PARAGON OF MANLINESS.
Then go do the dishes.
IT IS MANLY. DO TO DISHES?
Yeah. Why do you think I keep telling you to do it? My delicate hands can’t handle all that hot water and rough soap.
FINE. I WILL DO THE DISHES. BUT ONLY BECAuSE YOu ARE SO. PATHETIC.
uu: YOu LYING PIECE OF SHIT
TT: What now?.
uu: DOING DISHES. ISN’T MANLY.
TT: It’s still your job.
uu: I HATE YOu.
TT: Is that a come on?
uu: GET. NAKED.
TT: Already am, sweetie.
TT: Dude.
TT: There is a Labrador-sized dragon attempting to terrorize a public park.
TT: And the egg tank only has a cracked shell in it.
TT: I’m getting the feeling you weren’t exactly honest with me about that egg holding our baby.
uu: ARE YOu SAYING. YOu DON’T THINK OuR GENES COuLD COMBINE TO MAKE A DRAGON?
TT: I’ve seen baby photos of you.
TT: You didn’t look like a dragon. You looked like a snake.
uu: MAYBE YOuR STuPID HuMAN GENES DEFORMED IT.
TT: Right.
TT: Because I have wings and breathe fire.
uu: FINE.
uu: I LIED.
uu: YOu WOuLDN’T HAVE LET ME KEEP IT IF YOu KNEW IT WAS A DRAGON EGG.
TT: Still not letting you keep it.
TT: Zodiac’s going to deal it and Dragon’s going to adopt it.
uu: YOu NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FuN.
TT: I was willing to raise a fuckin’ baby with you, man.
uu: THAT WOuLDN’T HAVE BEEN FuN.
TT: And yet I would’ve done it anyway. Think about that next time you want to bitch about Golgathas or me spending too much time with my hero buddies.
TT: I’m going to help Zodiac.
uu: STOP IGNORING ME.
uu: YOu DIDN’T EVEN WANT A BABY.
uu: WHY DO YOu CARE. THAT I LIED TO YOu?
uu: I’M A VILLAIN. LYING’S WHAT I DO.
uu: DIRK.
uu: DIRK HUMAN.
uu: IF YOu KEEP IGNORING ME. I WILL BE FORCED TO DO. SOMETHING DRASTIC.
TA: tiimaeu2, take a look at thii2. the code'2 fuckiing 2paghettii and kk want2 iit 2olved by miidniight.
TT: Nice try, Gemini. You don’t need to send me easily solvable shit to make me feel better about myself.
TA: whatever. ii heard you and Lord Englii2h broke off your kii2me2ii22tiitude and wanted to 2ee iif you couldn’t still code for 2hiit.
TA: iif you'd opened the fuckiing fiile, you would've 2een iit wa2 your own code from the la2t project we worked on together.
TT: Please tell me you’re not pity-blackflirting with me.
TA: fuck no. don't flatter your2elf. ii wouldn't blackfliirt wiith you iif iit wa2 a choiice between you and a fuckiing hoofbea2t.
TT: Good luck finding a hoofbeast with low enough standards to take a second look at you. I’m going back to work.
♀: Timaeus, I have a new co+stume design fo+r yo+u. No+ capes this time. I to+ld yo+u they were a bad idea.
♀: When are yo+u and Go+lgathas free to+ co+me in fo+r a fitting?
TT: Not for a while. I’m busy working on a new bot.
TT: Golgathas could see you separately.
♀: So+mething wro+ng with yo+ur partnership?
TT: No. I’m just busy.
♀: I see.
♀: If yo+u need so+meo+ne to+ talk to+ abo+ut failed co+ncupiscent relatio+nships, I am the clo+sest yo+u will get to+ an expert.
TT: Man. Does everyone know?
♀: In a wo+rd? Yes.
♀: It's all o+ver the papers. Haven't yo+u been keeping up with the news?
TT: Gossip columns are more your thing.
♀: I said the news, no+t the go+ssip co+lumns! CNN ran a special repo+rt o+n their predicted effect o+n the city if o+ne o+f its defenders is to+o+ busy hiding after a bad breakup to+ defend the city against his ex.
TT: Fuck that noise. I’m not hiding. I’m working.
♀: On what?
TT: Plan B.
♀: What's that?
TT: Hopefully, you’ll never have to see.
TT: Timer went off. Back to work.
UU: hello, brother! i know we haven’t talked since you tried to knock me off bUt i heard aboUt yoU and timaeUs and thoUght perhaps yoU coUld Use an ear. :U
uu: FuCK OFF. I DON’T NEED YOuR PITY.
uu: I AM GOING TO GET HIM BACK.
uu: IT WILL BE. A MASTERPIECE. OF DESTRuCTION.
uu: HE WILL BE SORRY HE EVER IGNORED ME.
uu: AND THEN. OuR GAME WILL START AGAIN.
uu: HE’LL SEE. YOu’LL ALL SEE.
UU: oh, bloody hell. and here i thoUght that perhaps yoU might have matUred a little!
UU: clearly yoU're the same self-centered little child that yoU've always been!!!!!!!!!!!
uu: I’VE GROWN IN WAYS. YOu CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE.
uu: AND THIS TIME. I’LL KILL YOu FOR KEEPS.
uu: DIRK HuMAN. THIS IS YOuR LAST CHANCE.
uu: STILL IGNORING ME? FINE.
uu: SEE YOu IN THE SKY. tumut.
TT: Timaeus, LE is on a rampage. He’s emitting a disintegrating beam from his mouth. The death toll is in the dozens already. Zodiac’s evacuating the civilians.
TT: Golgathas is not replying to messages and the Witch says she can’t sense his life force.
TT: Timaeus?
TT: I’m on my way.
TT: If shit goes wrong and I don’t make it back, tell Hal to activate Plan B.
TT: And thanks for never getting on my case about how stupid hooking up with LE was.
TT: Tell Dave to rap my eulogy.
Sir,
Plan B, the strifebot superhero known as Brobot, is fully functional and an excellent replacement for Timaeus. He has no emotional attachments or physical desire and is very loyal to the team! In fact, he’s even a better fighter than Timaeus was.
I think he should be made a permanent member of the team! Whether LE and Timaeus died at the climax of their battle or disappeared into an alternate dimension, it doesn’t look like Timaeus is coming back and without him and Golgathas, we’re two members short.
I also think you should let me build Hal a body. He does great intelligence and spywork but he wants a body and I could make him one! Or Archer could! And then we’d have made up for both our losses and have a full human squad again.
Jade Harley