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Same theme as last post.
I was going to make this an edit to my last post, but it stands on its own.
How to prevent rape.
Yes, I'm sick of those e-mails that tell me to carry umbrellas, watch what I wear, don't let myself be caught alone in a room with a guy - I'm sick of being told I should never let my guard down. I'm sick of being told that when rape happens, it's just a girl exaggerating or trying to cause trouble. I'm sick of having rape trivialized, to the point that the next person who tells me it's just a bit of unwanted sex is going to have to deal with me verbally laying into them until my fingers are too tired to type/my mouth is too dry to speak. What I'd like to do is gut them, to castrate them, then tell them over their screams that it's only a little wound, not to make such a fuss. Pain is in the mind of the perceiver.
If nothing else, that's what Take Back the Night rallies tell people - it's okay to grieve. It's okay to be hurt. There are going to be days when you can't drag yourself out of bed, periods of time when everything hurts. Smells can trigger flashbacks, sounds too. It's okay. It's normal. It's not what you want, it stops you from acting the way you feel you should, but it's what happens anyway. I'm not fostering a culture of self-pity here, but nor do I think that denying your own pain is productive. To slice away the part of you that was wounded in an attempt to be wholly clean and incomplete - no. Because then you lose, not just to someone else, but you lose part of yourself, and it's not a game because it's your soul and your mind and your heart, and if you let someone damage you to the extent that you have no choice but to cripple yourself just so that you can survive, then they're hurting you twice over, once for the inital incident and once for the self-sundering. And they'll never stop hurting you, because you'll always remember.
And I know I said 'when you let' right after protesting the use of the phrase 'she was raped', but the thing is, getting raped is not the victim's choice. How a person deals with that is their choice. Sleeping around, swearing off sex, hiding away, hating yourself- they're all different ways of reacting, some more destructive than others, some less. The latest rally had about 50 girls all jammed into a small room, and I know that wasn't everyone. I know there were people too scared to come to a private, Safe Space meeting. A full third of all females have to deal with sexual assault at some point in their lives; it's jumped up from one quarter. How long before it hits 50%, and then 100% so that it turns into a standard experience for women, as normal as having blatantly sexual propositions tossed your way by complete strangers when you're just walking down a street and trying to get home?
Go ahead. Say that I'm borrowing trouble. Say that feminism isn't needed any longer, that we're practically equal anyway and that rape isn't really all that much of a problem. Please do. I'd love an excuse to hit someone with my copy of I Never Called It Rape. Because it's getting worse. Not better. Worse. With all our supposed moves forwards, the fact still remains that the incidence of rape has gone up, not down.
And home's not safe either. A quarter of all families will have a child molested by a family member at some point; one million American women endure domestic violence each year. (And those statistics are on the conservative side). Not to mention that again, most rapes are committed by people that the victim knows - and yes, marital rape does count and it is possible to be raped by a boyfriend/crush/ex. Still counts.
If you say no, if you don't want it, it's rape.
That simple.
It doesn't matter who you've slept with before, it doesn't matter what you were doing when you said stop. It doesn't matter what you were wearing, what you drank, or how badly s/he wants you. If you don't want it, then it's your body and ultimately, your choice. When someone rapes you, they take that choice away from you. They don't make up your mind for you; a person's default is not 'yes'. They simply remove your chance to say 'no' by refusing to acknowledge it.
What it all comes down, basically, is that real men accept the responsibility to not harm another person, and it needs to stop going unpunished. I'm not an idealist, no matter how you stretch the word. I'm well aware of the fact that most victims aren't believed, and that even when it does go to court, it's hard to win a case, standing in front of a jury that'll judge you on how you act, dress and speak, operating from the assumption that you must have done something to provoke an attack.
I know that police prefer the victim to be battered black and blue, half-dead from physical violence, rather than deal with the tricky grey areas of physical intimidation and how if a girl knows her attacker is stronger than her, and that fighting back will just result in her getting raped and beat up both, she's more likely to give in without fighting. In my school, when we had a quick seminar about self-defense, we were told to fight as much as we could but not if we thought it would endanger our lives or if we couldn't win. One of the girls summed it up as "lie back and try to not think about it"; the girl I liked best fiercely said she'd carry a knife on her and "kill the fucker". In retrospect, those lessons were only for girls. None for guys.
If I'd been the girl then that I am now, I might have questioned that, asked why we get trained to defend ourselves but why they don't get told to not make it necessary for us to know such things. Back then, though, rape was barely even a blip on my register. It was only as we grew up that my friends started to coming to me, telling me that a friend of their father's raped them, that their boyfriend raped them, that it wasn't true they'd had sex [name deleted] because he'd forced her and she couldn't say otherwise because nobody would believe her...
Rape is underreported.
Rape is a weapon.
Rape ruins lives.
And 'no' means 'no'. Always. Always.
How to prevent rape.
Yes, I'm sick of those e-mails that tell me to carry umbrellas, watch what I wear, don't let myself be caught alone in a room with a guy - I'm sick of being told I should never let my guard down. I'm sick of being told that when rape happens, it's just a girl exaggerating or trying to cause trouble. I'm sick of having rape trivialized, to the point that the next person who tells me it's just a bit of unwanted sex is going to have to deal with me verbally laying into them until my fingers are too tired to type/my mouth is too dry to speak. What I'd like to do is gut them, to castrate them, then tell them over their screams that it's only a little wound, not to make such a fuss. Pain is in the mind of the perceiver.
If nothing else, that's what Take Back the Night rallies tell people - it's okay to grieve. It's okay to be hurt. There are going to be days when you can't drag yourself out of bed, periods of time when everything hurts. Smells can trigger flashbacks, sounds too. It's okay. It's normal. It's not what you want, it stops you from acting the way you feel you should, but it's what happens anyway. I'm not fostering a culture of self-pity here, but nor do I think that denying your own pain is productive. To slice away the part of you that was wounded in an attempt to be wholly clean and incomplete - no. Because then you lose, not just to someone else, but you lose part of yourself, and it's not a game because it's your soul and your mind and your heart, and if you let someone damage you to the extent that you have no choice but to cripple yourself just so that you can survive, then they're hurting you twice over, once for the inital incident and once for the self-sundering. And they'll never stop hurting you, because you'll always remember.
And I know I said 'when you let' right after protesting the use of the phrase 'she was raped', but the thing is, getting raped is not the victim's choice. How a person deals with that is their choice. Sleeping around, swearing off sex, hiding away, hating yourself- they're all different ways of reacting, some more destructive than others, some less. The latest rally had about 50 girls all jammed into a small room, and I know that wasn't everyone. I know there were people too scared to come to a private, Safe Space meeting. A full third of all females have to deal with sexual assault at some point in their lives; it's jumped up from one quarter. How long before it hits 50%, and then 100% so that it turns into a standard experience for women, as normal as having blatantly sexual propositions tossed your way by complete strangers when you're just walking down a street and trying to get home?
Go ahead. Say that I'm borrowing trouble. Say that feminism isn't needed any longer, that we're practically equal anyway and that rape isn't really all that much of a problem. Please do. I'd love an excuse to hit someone with my copy of I Never Called It Rape. Because it's getting worse. Not better. Worse. With all our supposed moves forwards, the fact still remains that the incidence of rape has gone up, not down.
And home's not safe either. A quarter of all families will have a child molested by a family member at some point; one million American women endure domestic violence each year. (And those statistics are on the conservative side). Not to mention that again, most rapes are committed by people that the victim knows - and yes, marital rape does count and it is possible to be raped by a boyfriend/crush/ex. Still counts.
If you say no, if you don't want it, it's rape.
That simple.
It doesn't matter who you've slept with before, it doesn't matter what you were doing when you said stop. It doesn't matter what you were wearing, what you drank, or how badly s/he wants you. If you don't want it, then it's your body and ultimately, your choice. When someone rapes you, they take that choice away from you. They don't make up your mind for you; a person's default is not 'yes'. They simply remove your chance to say 'no' by refusing to acknowledge it.
What it all comes down, basically, is that real men accept the responsibility to not harm another person, and it needs to stop going unpunished. I'm not an idealist, no matter how you stretch the word. I'm well aware of the fact that most victims aren't believed, and that even when it does go to court, it's hard to win a case, standing in front of a jury that'll judge you on how you act, dress and speak, operating from the assumption that you must have done something to provoke an attack.
I know that police prefer the victim to be battered black and blue, half-dead from physical violence, rather than deal with the tricky grey areas of physical intimidation and how if a girl knows her attacker is stronger than her, and that fighting back will just result in her getting raped and beat up both, she's more likely to give in without fighting. In my school, when we had a quick seminar about self-defense, we were told to fight as much as we could but not if we thought it would endanger our lives or if we couldn't win. One of the girls summed it up as "lie back and try to not think about it"; the girl I liked best fiercely said she'd carry a knife on her and "kill the fucker". In retrospect, those lessons were only for girls. None for guys.
If I'd been the girl then that I am now, I might have questioned that, asked why we get trained to defend ourselves but why they don't get told to not make it necessary for us to know such things. Back then, though, rape was barely even a blip on my register. It was only as we grew up that my friends started to coming to me, telling me that a friend of their father's raped them, that their boyfriend raped them, that it wasn't true they'd had sex [name deleted] because he'd forced her and she couldn't say otherwise because nobody would believe her...
Rape is underreported.
Rape is a weapon.
Rape ruins lives.
And 'no' means 'no'. Always. Always.
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.... It's a terrible thing that in this time shouldn't even be a problem. Should have long been stopped. Or shouldn't happen in the first place.
One thing that always stands out, ""No" means no.". Something that so many seem to forget; be it verbal or physical or what have you.
A new post, indeed. Definitely necessary. Most definitely.
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*hugs*
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May I link this and the previous journal in an entry.
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It's also rape when, after saying no, unrelenting in the desision, a woman is mentally beaten down, manipulated and forced into saying yes.
I was going to put a bit more in, but I think I'll just leave it at that for now.
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I just thought I'd mention that, since that's the one that hits closest to home.
You got 99% of everything, which, for 5am ain't so bad ;)
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I put it here because its the one that hits closest to home. The rape that continues, over and over, just so he can find out just how much control he really does have over her.
Rape can take more away from a woman than just their self respect, their control over their own body and thier own life...
It can take away the last of a woman's innocence.
I know because I survived it, I'm the person I am today because of that and because of one precious man that had the patience to help me through. I don't think Dave will ever truely know how much he helped me heal.
..and now I'm getting emotional, so I'll stop :D
*hugs*
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My husband came into my life 1 year after it happened. We were friends for 2 years in which time he learned about the rape and assualt and helped me stat the long process to recovery. Which gave him a few bruises in the middle of the night when my nightmares would resurface everything...
But his patience helped me through.
No, I doubt they will ever REALLY understand what they have done in helping us...
*hugs*
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I was 17 when I met him. I was 17 when it started, and I didn't realize that's what he had done to me until I was 19. He preyed on my fears, on my hopes, on my dreams to control me, not only mentally and physically, but financially as well. I thought that he was the one I was supposed to be with, that I'd never get any better, that no one else would want me.
I met my husband when I was 20, and I had basically had buried it so deep I just didn't think about it, but a part of me still thinks he knew..something like that had happened.
He took my hand and led me down a very difficult path, patiently, and with a very gentle hand.
And you're right, they probably won't ever truely understand...but, we have them, right? :)
*hugs back*
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I sadly never spoke up and both my attacker and rapist got away with their crime. They had been two of the final events that pushed my to my first suicide attempt because I felt I had no one I could turn to, to talk to... It took me 9 years to get to the point where I could finally talk about it without the nightmares haunting me every night, the nerves causing me to break down and just start shaking.
But I will admit... To this day I still feel violently ill when I see a car that looks like theirs, or see someone who lookes even remotely like them. Even more so when I hear their name- even when it belongs to someone else. It still affects me- but I thank God I am still alive... For I know in both cases things could have ended a great deal worse.
Thank you for posting this and I hope that
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And I wonder, does backlash ever leave or even lessen? I don't like to think that it's always going to be lurking over a victim's shoulder, but it's not something that goes away either. The thick, heavy scent of a garden filled with starflowers, a sudden touch on the shoulder, a low, rumbled voice - anything can be the trigger. Survival is a goal in itself, and it's more important to survive than to forget.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story with me. I'm glad my posts helped you, even if only to let you know that you are not alone.
More woman need to know just what you both have said.
More men too.
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Good question, because I don't know if it does for everyone. From people that I know, most of the time, it does. Lessen, at least. It's always with them, but for some, I don't know how deeply...
More men too.
Everyone does, indeed. To know that this isn't just a "passing issue" or something that comes and goes. No, it's something that happens more often than people will admit to or want to admit to. The saddest question is will it ever stop.
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I think it dependant on the person, just like healing time, and I think
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I can understand why you had never spoke up about them. Though, I do have a question, if you don't mind my asking? If you had spoke up about it to someone, friend or family, would you want them to speak up to an authority for you? I know something like that varies per person.
*hugs you* Again, thank you for sharing this.
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I may not have taken the best path after what had happened to me. It has taken me a long time to get to the point I am at now... I answer questions all the time now. Just to help myself face it and deal with it and help others by sharing if I can. So I will answer any questions put to me. I haven't much to hide anymore lol. It kind of feels good now that it has gotten out into the open too. Talking, writing, singing... my only real therapy.
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I agree with that. It would get tracked back to you eventually, and if you didn't feel ready to speak up on your own behalf, having to deal with all of that would be devastating. It would also feel like a betrayal of trust to have someone else share something so private about your life without your permission.
Defense would have had a field day with me...
I really, really want to repeat how stupid the judgment system is, and how unfair it is that rapists often get set free while the victim is the one suffering society's disapproval.
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As for the defense. [ insult here, I'll keep to myself ] It really is quite unfair. Very much so.
Mhm. I've heard of that. Talking about it helping... Or doing as you said. I hope that with such therapy, in time, it will be less of a "problem" for you when you see things that remind you of it. *hugs you*
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You probably implied some of the stuff I'm talking about too, but I wasn't sure.
Even in the face of equality between gender or race, there will be people who prey physically on others. Even if self-defense techniques aren't any longer needed against would-be rapists, there are still other situations demanding self defense.
I take pride in that should I be present for a would-be attacker of any sort upon another person, that I am equipped to deal with the situation. It isn't that I ask things to happen, but if they are going to, at least let them happen while I'm around.
... Rambling.
On a lighter note....
"And 'no' means 'no'. Always. Always."
Well. That depends on if 'no' is your safeword. 'No' is a pretty weak safeword if you ask me. =P