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Bullying.
Disclaimer: I've been planning this post out for weeks because the Bad Penny report on CC reminded me of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cairnsy and how she'd posted about being bullied online the same week I posted about Christina and RL bullying. Then I ended up having an RL discussion about Kathy and Numa about my inability to move on from it, and how it's going to hurt for the rest of my life when I think about it.
In other words, this has nothing to do with the hate meme and I'd appreciate if nobody brought it up in context with this.
On to the meat of the post.
Ages twelve to fourteen, I was pretty much a pushover. If you wanted to copy off my homework, I let you. If you tried cheating off me during a test after making friends with me just to sit next to me in class for said test, I'd put the pencilcase between us so you couldn't see my answers but I wouldn't report you to the teachers.
Easy target, right? Especially for Christina and her girl clique.* While on a camping trip where we were staying in a hotel, I made the mistake of telling them that I'm scared of the dark to the point that it's practically a phobia.
So, like any normal human being, she and one of her cronies trapped me within a small, dark corridor about the size of a closet, one of them at each end. Lights off, of course, so absolute darkness. And they made howling noises.
This happened twice because there was no way for me to get in and out of the room without passing through the corridor. The first time, I screamed so loudly that the people in the room next to me came to complain, so Christina and Saira let me go. The second time, I flipped and fought my way out, only to have a teacher track me down and make me apologize to Christina for my 'unprovoked attack' on her.
None of the other girls in the room -- all of whom had heard me screaming and knew what was going on -- spoke up in my defense or said that Christina was lying.
And all of them just stood there while I stammered out an apology while crying. As for why I was crying, it wsa more from the shock, hurt and betrayal than actual guilt. No way would I feel guilty for standing up for myself.
Why am I suddenly talking about this?
Because of this post in which someone talks frankly and openly about her own experiences with being bullied, and how she is never, ever going to get over it either.
Point of this post?
If someone's smaller than you, weaker than you, stupider than you, or less popular than you, it still doesn't give you the right to pick on them. If someone opens up to you and trusts you, that doesn't give you the right to betray them. If someone cares about you, don't exploit it for attention. If people follow you, don't use that to gang up on someone else and grind them into the dirt with the power of superior numbers.
Sounds obvious? It is.
Difficult to understand? It really isn't.
Before you do something that could be hurtful, think about the other person involved and how you'd feel like if you were them. And no, "If I were them, I'd deserve it", doesn't work.
Because long after you've forgotten them and the slight you've dealt them -- long after they've receded to 'that quiet girl, wassername?' -- they'll remember you.
Remember you, hate you and hurt.
So if you're just standing by while someone else is getting bullied, don't. Intervene. Give them a good person to remember. Remind them the entire human race isn't made up of backstabbers and assholes. Playing damage control afterwards isn't enough -- damage's done, it's too late, I don't care what you say to make me feel better, you still hurt me in the first place.
This is, I suppose, a 'mean girls in high school' post. It really, really is. But it's also a 'sheep on the internet' and 'mindless followers' post. It's a post that's asking you to think before you just go along with the crowd, and it's a post that points out that lynch mobs have nothing to do with justice and everything to do with hate.
And that's about all I've got to say. Play nice, everyone.
*I was going to just link back to one of my previous posts about her, but I figured that it made more sense to include it in the main post.
cairnsy and how she'd posted about being bullied online the same week I posted about Christina and RL bullying. Then I ended up having an RL discussion about Kathy and Numa about my inability to move on from it, and how it's going to hurt for the rest of my life when I think about it.In other words, this has nothing to do with the hate meme and I'd appreciate if nobody brought it up in context with this.
On to the meat of the post.
Ages twelve to fourteen, I was pretty much a pushover. If you wanted to copy off my homework, I let you. If you tried cheating off me during a test after making friends with me just to sit next to me in class for said test, I'd put the pencilcase between us so you couldn't see my answers but I wouldn't report you to the teachers.
Easy target, right? Especially for Christina and her girl clique.* While on a camping trip where we were staying in a hotel, I made the mistake of telling them that I'm scared of the dark to the point that it's practically a phobia.
So, like any normal human being, she and one of her cronies trapped me within a small, dark corridor about the size of a closet, one of them at each end. Lights off, of course, so absolute darkness. And they made howling noises.
This happened twice because there was no way for me to get in and out of the room without passing through the corridor. The first time, I screamed so loudly that the people in the room next to me came to complain, so Christina and Saira let me go. The second time, I flipped and fought my way out, only to have a teacher track me down and make me apologize to Christina for my 'unprovoked attack' on her.
None of the other girls in the room -- all of whom had heard me screaming and knew what was going on -- spoke up in my defense or said that Christina was lying.
And all of them just stood there while I stammered out an apology while crying. As for why I was crying, it wsa more from the shock, hurt and betrayal than actual guilt. No way would I feel guilty for standing up for myself.
Why am I suddenly talking about this?
Because of this post in which someone talks frankly and openly about her own experiences with being bullied, and how she is never, ever going to get over it either.
Point of this post?
If someone's smaller than you, weaker than you, stupider than you, or less popular than you, it still doesn't give you the right to pick on them. If someone opens up to you and trusts you, that doesn't give you the right to betray them. If someone cares about you, don't exploit it for attention. If people follow you, don't use that to gang up on someone else and grind them into the dirt with the power of superior numbers.
Sounds obvious? It is.
Difficult to understand? It really isn't.
Before you do something that could be hurtful, think about the other person involved and how you'd feel like if you were them. And no, "If I were them, I'd deserve it", doesn't work.
Because long after you've forgotten them and the slight you've dealt them -- long after they've receded to 'that quiet girl, wassername?' -- they'll remember you.
Remember you, hate you and hurt.
So if you're just standing by while someone else is getting bullied, don't. Intervene. Give them a good person to remember. Remind them the entire human race isn't made up of backstabbers and assholes. Playing damage control afterwards isn't enough -- damage's done, it's too late, I don't care what you say to make me feel better, you still hurt me in the first place.
This is, I suppose, a 'mean girls in high school' post. It really, really is. But it's also a 'sheep on the internet' and 'mindless followers' post. It's a post that's asking you to think before you just go along with the crowd, and it's a post that points out that lynch mobs have nothing to do with justice and everything to do with hate.
And that's about all I've got to say. Play nice, everyone.
*I was going to just link back to one of my previous posts about her, but I figured that it made more sense to include it in the main post.
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You are far braver than I am, I couldn't bring myself to talk about the things that made junior high hell for me - there were several talented and twisted artists in the 'in crowd' as a start - but I know the feeling of remembering those who did it and those who stood by and that was... God, over ten years ago now. Kids have no excuse for being that way, as far as I'm concerned, and adults on the internet are even worse at times.
As for the post you linked... there are no words, except my admiration for that person's eloquence.
*MORE HUGS*
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This is pretty much just tip-of-the-iceberg stuff. It's the one that tends to stick in my mind the most though, because it was my first real exposure to having actual people standing by while I was screaming and not doing anything. I mean, yeah, other incidents but when you're screaming for help and then switch to just screaming, and nobody still helps you, it sticks in your mind.
I ♥ed it. Especially the ending.
*hugs again*
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I hope talking about it at least helps a little, and I'm really sorry no one stood up for you and they got away with that.
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Well, I got a small, petty measure of revenge against Christina about four years later, but it still doesn't feel like enough. And people suck, people are sheep and this really wasn't the cheerful entry I meant to make about evil cows at all. Meh.
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(Anonymous) 2006-08-16 06:30 pm (UTC)(link)You can make another entry about evil cows now that you've vented. I really want to hear about them!
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The evil cows and buffaloes shall both be written up soon, promise.
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Here, have a pretty girl.
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And the way I see it, you have three possible paths. You hate everyone and shut yourself off (been there, done that, grew out of the slogan tees), you hate everyone and take your own misery out on them, or you learn from that exactly how much it fucking hurts and never, ever treat anyone like that.
First one stops working as soon as you get real friends, the second one is not something I ever want to do, and the third is probably where I'm at and where I want to stay.
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Although I was bullied extensively when I was younger, I also am concerned with the bossy and bullying streak I see in myself. I was picked on terribly in my elementary school years, but I also remember the girl, Esther, who was even less popular to me and so whose life I made a living hell for reasons I don't even remember anymore.
I'm ashamed, but all I can really do is remember her and, when I see that nasty streak rise up within me, to strike it down with a hammer.
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And it's hard for me to see you as a bully but that's because you just spent seven hours and a half cheering me up and being absolutely fantastic towards me. So. Not that it means that you might be even with Esther and not that I condone you having bullied her, but I think you're doing a pretty good job of not being a jerk right now.
*hugs*
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Well, I was a pretty incompetent one. I remember a few fights where we sorta slapped each other's hands and let out a few high pitch squeals. I know I did psychological warfare, though I don't remember the details. But it's the intention to hurt that counts, and I know I did hurt her emotionally, since she reached out to me for a friend several times.
Ha, and this? Seriously, with all the hours of hard work and organization you've put in my favorite playground, a night spent reminding you of the truth as I see it is a pretty small price to pay. I still owe you more than that!
And to be honest, I was too hyper to sleep a wink, anyway. By the time you signed on it was already close to morning. Might as well count the hours in good company! ^_^
Psst! Down here! You? Are real neat.
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Ahhh. Never got into too many physical fights with the exception of trying to get Christina to open the fucking door and all I did there was scratch her up. Had a friend of mine later inform me that Christina spread that all over the grade as me being psycho and attacking her without cause. @_@
Whereas I think that I'm forever in your debt. You staying up and talking to me meant way more than I can express -- I swear, I would have just hated myself beyond all measure if I'd been left to read that on my own and deal somehow.
*grins and cuddles* You are made of awesome.
You make me smile.
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I never got into the fights where I got really hurt. Mostly I was shoved and smacked a bit, but it was more humiliating than painful. Strange enough, my biggest bully was also a Christina. Well, sorta. A Christine O. She was called that because there was a Christine S. in our class, who was a mensch. My best memories of the two put together was Christine S. asking Christine O. why she couldn't just leave me alone.
That was very hard to Christine O., as that day I had watched some flashback episode on Rugrats and thought I'd make a good hippie. That obsession lasted until Wednesday... was me as a pirate before or after that?
Leaving you alone to deal just wasn't an option.
*Cuddles back* And you are made of win! And bones and muscles and stuff, but win, too!
Not!Flying-Cat has come for your kitty!
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That's an interesting statement, and one I think I agree with if I'm understanding it properly. (Well the rest of it is, too, of course, but you already know my feelings about it all). Care to elaborate, just so I know what exactly you're saying with that? :)
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It won't be a fair thing. It won't be a just thing. It won't hold water legally, and probably not morally or ethically either.
You hurt them because you hate them and because you can and even though there's nothing fair about it, it makes you feel better/bigger.
But it's fake; it's not fair. It's only an illusion of peace.
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Because I doubt they hated you, it was far too petty and impersonally cruel for that.
But of course I do agree with your point.
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And how she's a fucking bitch for having done that in the first place. The bit about revenge was basically me knowing that no matter what I do back, it'll never make us even.
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But yeah I don't think anything you can do will make you even, and it definitely won't erase it for you. Bah, bullies :(
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But yeah, I know what you mean, not going to hunt her down with a pitchfork to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. ^_~
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AND YOU KNOW WHERE MY MIND IS GOING NOW, EVIL SLEDDER OF DOOOOOM! :P
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Yeah. XD Sure. Fear me with a badminton racket or sled.
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*pets you gently*
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We rode the same bus...and I was playing around, squirted her with some water on her way by me. Her sister sat behind me a few minutes later and started calling me names, etc. I ignored it, for the most part. I already had a rather low self-esteem, so..I really didn't care.
Next day, she sat behind me, started in with the name calling, etc. Then she hit me in the back of the head.
Now, if you say a bunch of word to me..I really could care less. Hit me..that's another story completely. I turned around and wailed on her..I threw punches, she ripped out hair. Somewhere along the way..I blacked out, next thing I knew, I was on the ground.
I got suspended from the bus for 2 days...she, after saying that I had pulled her hair (when I was sitting infront of her..yeah right) got suspended from school for 2 weeks.
Every once in a while as we got older..she'd call me a name, but she never again hit me.
The ultimate revenge was walking in to her work, snerking at her, and making her ring me out (at a 7-11).
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I know what its like to never be able to quite move on from things. We moved around a lot when I was young, and there was one school that I was at for a couple of years that really shaped me in a way I wished it hadn't. Nothing on the level of what you had to deal with, but enough daily deconstructing of who you are and eroding all sense of self confidence that you never really look at people the same way again.
And, you know. I don't think you have to be able to move past it, just be able to distance yourself from it so that it doesn't have such an impact anymore. it becomes more of a problem when you feel like you should move on but you can't, because somehow it makes it seem like it is all your fault.
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...Ahh. Yeah. I get what you mean by that. Maybe at least partly because I do think that if I hadn't had to deal with Christina, I'd be less cynical about the human race in general and far less bitter.
And it feels like you're making yourself a victim all over again every time you remember how much it hurts. Because you don't choose to be hurt, but you can at least choose whether or not to think about a memory that's painful.