Meaningless victories.
Mar. 28th, 2005 07:40 pmGot 91 marks out of 100 for my CS midterm. Got 9 marks out of 10 for my last CS homework.
...don't give a damn about either.
I mean, when I told my mother, she was more excited than I was. Even Dani was more excited than me. Seriously, I just picked up the exam, glanced at the mark, shrugged and flipped through it to see what I'd gotten wrong. Then dumped it in my bag and ignored it.
And even if I'd got my usual 100%, I wouldn't have cared. Really. I'm just having more and more trouble making myself be proud of myself. I know that I come off as arrogant to a lot of people but I don't feel like it. Yeah, I'm good at RPing, writing, making icons etc - so what? Really, so what? Why does it matter? Why is it worth admiring?
I don't see any reason to think that it makes me special. Or maybe it does make me special, but you know what? I still don't give a damn. Really. Someone close to me said yet again that they think I'm a positive role model and that they'd love to have my talents. Well, they're welcome to them. All of them. They sure as hell aren't doing me any good...
You know what's really ironic? I got 91% for my CS midterm, 85% for my QR midterm and have been getting at least a B for every one of my writing papers. Now, anime class, so far I've had a B- and C+/B-. @_@ Anyone else think that it's weird that my LOWEST grades are for anime? You'd think that it would be QR or CS that I'd have trouble with. Then again, I haven't exactly liked any of the films we watched so far for anime, except Ghost in the Shell and I didn't get to write a paper for that because it was Anna's turn.
This probably is coming off as a stupid thing to complain about to a lot of you. After all, most people complain about having trouble in their courses or doing badly, right? It's supposed to be bad grades that get you down, right, not good ones? Well, I guess that I'm just warped. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy that I'm doing well. I'm just disappointed that it's so meaningless to me. It makes me wonder why I bother with anything - I mean, really, why do I get myself stressed out about the papers that are due or about the project that I have to write if I know that I won't care about the end result?
Sometimes I think that the only reason I keep succeeding is that I know of no other way to live.
Only test I've ever failed in my life was my driving theory exam, and I failed that by three percentage points - after having only gone to one of the thirty classes, mind you. And I didn't want to take my exam in Austria anyway, or care about whether I could drive or not (did my parents listen to me? Hell no, they even bought me a red car when they know that I hate red cars).
...whatever. I'll shut up now.
...don't give a damn about either.
I mean, when I told my mother, she was more excited than I was. Even Dani was more excited than me. Seriously, I just picked up the exam, glanced at the mark, shrugged and flipped through it to see what I'd gotten wrong. Then dumped it in my bag and ignored it.
And even if I'd got my usual 100%, I wouldn't have cared. Really. I'm just having more and more trouble making myself be proud of myself. I know that I come off as arrogant to a lot of people but I don't feel like it. Yeah, I'm good at RPing, writing, making icons etc - so what? Really, so what? Why does it matter? Why is it worth admiring?
I don't see any reason to think that it makes me special. Or maybe it does make me special, but you know what? I still don't give a damn. Really. Someone close to me said yet again that they think I'm a positive role model and that they'd love to have my talents. Well, they're welcome to them. All of them. They sure as hell aren't doing me any good...
You know what's really ironic? I got 91% for my CS midterm, 85% for my QR midterm and have been getting at least a B for every one of my writing papers. Now, anime class, so far I've had a B- and C+/B-. @_@ Anyone else think that it's weird that my LOWEST grades are for anime? You'd think that it would be QR or CS that I'd have trouble with. Then again, I haven't exactly liked any of the films we watched so far for anime, except Ghost in the Shell and I didn't get to write a paper for that because it was Anna's turn.
This probably is coming off as a stupid thing to complain about to a lot of you. After all, most people complain about having trouble in their courses or doing badly, right? It's supposed to be bad grades that get you down, right, not good ones? Well, I guess that I'm just warped. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy that I'm doing well. I'm just disappointed that it's so meaningless to me. It makes me wonder why I bother with anything - I mean, really, why do I get myself stressed out about the papers that are due or about the project that I have to write if I know that I won't care about the end result?
Sometimes I think that the only reason I keep succeeding is that I know of no other way to live.
Only test I've ever failed in my life was my driving theory exam, and I failed that by three percentage points - after having only gone to one of the thirty classes, mind you. And I didn't want to take my exam in Austria anyway, or care about whether I could drive or not (did my parents listen to me? Hell no, they even bought me a red car when they know that I hate red cars).
...whatever. I'll shut up now.